i don't think i will be as crushed as i thought i would be if i didn't get to go. something tells me my place is here sticking out the worst christmas my family will have. first christmas with divorced parents will always be the suckiest. after that, it's just following routine. decisions have to be made. and half the night wil be spent driving from either mom to dad or dad to mom. whichever way it turns out, it'll be miserable. and getting the two of them to sit down at a dinner table is out of the question so i guess i just have to worry about how far i have to drive from point A to point B. i love stan and i desperately want to spend christmas with him but in comparison to spending christmas with the people who put me an the top of the "people i love the most" list, canada doesn't seem too good of an idea anymore. well, if i get my visa then i'll go but part of me is wishing that fate just decides that i stay. stan's been in my life for a little over a year but my family's been in mine for my whole life. maybe i'm being too selfish to bail out on them now. they might be dysfunctional but they're all i have in the end and they're the ones who'll come running when my world crumbles.