keep breathing.

i love this song from "Didn't we almost have it all". 25th episode of the 3rd season of Greys Anatomy.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michealson

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

you were right ren.

haha. okay...

i forgot to link maya's blog. but i swear i thought it was there all along!

i love rainy mornings.

first rainy morning in months.

i stayed in bed a little longer than usual snuggling in the warm sheets and feeling happy that my baby's coming home tomorrow.

i cut my hair.

i've relinquished my almost waist length beach babe wavy locks which i've worn for the past 3 years for something i hope looks more sophisticated.

it wasn't a planned decision but while i was sitting in the parlor chair, i realized i just had too much hair. i felt weighed down and heavy. i looked older and tired with my hair always in a bun because it's just too excruciatingly hot to leave it down. it got in the way of things, tore when i combed it and got tangled 5 minutes after i did.

so before i lost my nerve, i told her to cut it off.

my hair is now shoulder length with bangs and i've been able to wear it down two days in a row in this sweltering heat. i don't know if i look better but i feel better. i feel lighter and suprisingly happier. no more tight buns and scrounging around for hair ties. no more waiting forever and a day for my hair to dry before i could get out of the house. i wake up, roll out of bed and i'm ready to go with my considerably short and tousled look.

so there, i think cutting my hair was my unconscious symbolic action of letting go. letting go of things that weighed me down and made my heart feel heavy. no more nitpicking at myself and getting entangled in all my anxieties. maybe some things are just best left tousled as they are.

shiva

there was one episode on grey's anatomy where i actually learned something. it was the one where denny died and izzie started baking up a storm. meredith and christina were sitting in the kitchen and said it was a jewish custom of mourning called Shiva when somebody dies and family members cook.

although we're not jewish and my nono has not yet passed. the women in the family seem to have fallen into a cooking/baking frenzy. i go and visit him everyday and his house always smells of good things to eat. the freezer is stocked full of homemade avocado ice cream and all the cookie jars are full of tita maling's chocolate chip cookies. so far, we've made cheesecake, brussell sprout soup, natilya and baked spring chicken. suddenly, everyone's reaching into the back of their heads and bringing out all their secret recipes to make. we've recently gotten excited about the prospect of making braided bread, paella, lasagna and some other kind of cookies.

our family has always been about food. if there's one thing we have in common, it's the love of creating good things to eat and serving it to people near and dear to us. although nono is too ill to eat anything we make, he enjoys the smell of a happy kitchen and always asks what's cooking.

i'm too hung over to write an intelligent blog.

anyway, i'm contemplating having a dinner thingi at home and drinks after with the girls. plus... a Chanel makeover for everyone. i just need to get rid of this pounding headache to get my text invites out.

the acid test

the weekend's finally here and while i'm happy to get away from my cleaning and arranging my classroom, a certain amount of panic is starting to set in. i'm beginning to miss him and it's usually more on the weekends since that's when we're usually together from sun up to sun down.

i have to learn to entertain myself. i've come to realize that if i'm ever going to end up with stan, i have to be able to survive without him since he'll always be travelling. and it might be slightly worse if we're married since i'll be in our house all by myself with no sisters to harrass and wheedle into doing activities with me.

note to self: must look at previous post to remind myself of actvities planned out for my alone alone weekend.

anyway, i think i'll be okay. my happy thought: by this time next week, he'll be back.

i just have to get through this weekend without a neurotic meltdown.

day 3

looks like i've gotten the hang of things. i'm busy busy at work preparing my classroom and lesson plans. our boss just announced that the sooner we finish our work, the sooner we can go for vacation. i'm aiming to be on vacation by the 25th. that'll mean 6 weeks of absolutely nothing to do.

on the love front, we're doing fine. i'm not neurotically missing him but i do think about him once in a while. we get to chat in the mornings and when i get home from work. plus i have some activities planned out for the weekend.

girls night out on friday and/ or saturday? let me know.

day 1

okay.

i just got home from the gym and this "alone time" thing doesn't seem to be coming in trickles. i'm home alone right now. like really really alone. maid's gone home to vote and hasn't returned yet, sister #1 is probably out with her boyfriend and sister #2 is at a sleepover. mom's not home either. i'm defrosting a premarinated porkchop for dinner and thankfully there's left over rice in the rice cooker.

in the meantime i shall blog, while waiting for my porkchop to be "cookable".

today wasn't bad. dropped my lovey off at the airport but i played hooky this morning from work to buy some extra cuddle time. i got pretty busy in the afternoon rearranging my new classroom and i did cardio for about 45 minutes in the gym before deciding that that was enough for my first day at gym.

things were fine and dandy and i had happy thoughts popping up like pansies... until i ran into stans dad and he mentioned that stans mom wanted to talk to me. whatever for??? well, maya said it might be some business venture like selling those designer bags for her again and i'm trying desperately to hold on to that idea to keep me from freaking out over it.

i'll absolutely die if this talk has something to do with stan and me. i have enough of that shit from my biological mother. i don't need my boyfriend's mother to join in.

maybe i can just avoid her till stan gets home and she'll have forgotten about it already.

anyway, i think i can cook my porkchop now. i'll have dinner with my puppies, have a nice relaxing bath and pour over paintings till maya calls me later.

i do believe in fairies.

Ordinary Miracle by Sarah Mclachlan

It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds and winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle

Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.


During the fairy dance of the graduation program, my 3 year old student Angelica asked me in wide eyed wonder if the fairies were real. She said she'd never seen a fairy till now and that they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

i said yes, they were real.

She smiled and hugged me and for a moment i did see real fairies.

10 days of solitude

ho hum.

stan is leaving for canada yet again. this time it's going to be for 10 days. that means 10 days of alone time for me. i often panic at the thought of being alone but lately i think think this forced soilitude might actually be good for me. i admit, i've been quite detached from my life and absorbed in this relationship.

at the start i promised myself not to let this happen but now i'm knee deep in anxiety, fretting over every single frown he makes. i analyze every single kiss to death and lie awake at night with my what ifs. it's exhausting. may, i think i will join you in your quest to cleanse your bad vibes. sign me up for yoga!

maybe this relationship is stronger than i think it is. maybe it'll actually thrive on it's own without my constant attention.

in the meantime, i will use this 10 days wisely to invest in myself. i will...

1. paint
2. go to gym religiously
3. design and have shorts made for next school year
4. finish my art curriculum for next school year
5. go out with friends
6. spend time with my nono and nona
7. spend time with my dad
8. attempt to spend time with my mom
9. mandate a sisters only outing with my siblings
10. sleep alot

there. 10 things to do for my 10 days of solitude.

happy birthday nono!

it's my nonos birthday tomorrow.

but... baby, i love you.

haha. i love this.

my happy rainy day

okay. so he got kinda ticked off at me for going out saturday night since i was still sick and should have been at home resting. today was spent entirely indoors on compulsory bed rest so i could get better, no poker, no beach... just him and me on the couch all day flipping through channels and falling in and out of sleep.

plus it rained today!

and... he got us matching t-shirts from his trip to manila. haha.

note to self. and anyone else who might need it.

I love this book by Anna Johnson called "All you need to survive are three black skirts". I've painstakingly copied some excerpts that I like from the book that may be helpful to you now or in the future.

Love myth: There's nothing like the real thing.

I don't believe there is a real substitute for intimate human love and romance. It's natural to miss the heady rush of falling in love - the way it heightens every one of our senses and replaces the monotony of the solitary life with drama and dimension. Once tasted, it's hard to live without. But if you're in between loves, how are you going to live in the meantime? In a dreary self-absorbed vacuum or a vibrant playground? I say, get out the fingerpaints. Try to see the world for a day a an artist sees it - passionately!

Romancing your life creates energy, energy makes you happy, being happy brings back your sense of humor, and laughing makes you pretty. Everyone is suddenly asking you "Are you in love?" and all you have to say is "Yes, in fact, I am in love - with snails and poems and pastry flour and a cloud shaped liked Mozart's ponytail and Justin Timberlake's voice and my nephew's big toe and the smell of fresh sheets and the squish of wet sand and the way I feel when I sing in my car - but other than that, no, not really."

Love myth: Love is for life.

Many books will tell you that the aim of love is, eventually, to find the person with whom you can settle down, the person who is willing to have a long-term, serious relationship. Not this book. The idea of finding "the one" or the idea that marriage is a superior relationship leaves far too much in its wake. A woman may love four men in her lifetime, and they may have not been her lovers. A woman may mother a child with one partner but chose to love and live with another woman later on. A woman may have many brief relationships to find that marriage suits her much much later in life, or not at all. The idea that we must find someone whom we can share our life with is anachronism, for we are sharing our lives with a broad range of special people at any given time. Focus on the one and we may miss out on the beauty and contribution of many.

On heartbreak:
The best way to get over a broken heart is to treat it like a boil. Lance the inflamation, release the pus (and there can be quite a lot), clean the wound and then let the healing proceed. Amelia Sedley in Vanity Fair sniffled into a hanky for fifteen years over a total cad, but Amelia was a piteous wimp and the object of Thackery's satire. Give it six months to a year and then for goodness' sake contain the wallow. You are not Morrisey or Morisette, so don't moon unless you're being paid royalties to do so. Don't let your past gobble up the potential of your future. You might meet the love of your life at a support group or just hours after you've been kissed off.

Your veil of melancholy will lift - but you must be vigilant. Stringently edit past associations - certain places, certain songs, certain turns of phrase, pet names and baby talk. Stop idealizing the initmacy you once had and establish new routines. Try not to imagine how your ex-lover would respond to the new you, and don't fall back on wanting that approval. If you get tempted to see your ex - to parade that hard-won, fragile new confidence - forget about it. You are not changing for your ex. You are changing for yourself.

A haircut is a symbolic action even if it's just a trim. Spruce up with some organic color (henna or Herbatint), have a deep condition treatment, cut off your split ends, and kiss your dead-end dreams goodbye. Beware of home jobs with nail scissors.

Coddle yourself. Burn scented candles, pout beautiful in lipstick the color of crushed roses, buy some soft angora socks and wear them in bed.

Milk the venom. Resentment, unexpressed anger, hurt and feelings of violation are like toxins. Left to fester inside, they can harden you for years. Get them out through creative channels - or just plain destructive ones - paint it out, wail and smash your pillow. Anything totally absorbing, and physically exhausting is good. Later, much later, when you've come down from your cathartic freak-out, you may come to see a hurtful love experience as a lesson. But first set to clearing the darkness out of your heart.

the countdown begins

8 more class days left until summer vacation.