oh canada...

so we're all set. leaving on the 24th and coming back on the 8th. i hope nothing else goes wrong. everything seems to have gone wrong at one point. i had to fly to manila just to make sure i get that damn stamp on my passport that says i can enter canada. if it weren't for stan, i don't think i'd EVER set foot in canada. so my originally 23 day vacation has been whittled down to a 16 day vacation because of all the delays and the fuck ups that's been happening. the travel agent gave my departure on the 22nd away because she thought we weren't going anymore. well, that's okay i guess. maybe that'll be 7 days too long with the in-laws. stans mom still scares me till now. she means well but she can be really tactless sometimes. i like his dad more. he seems to be a more genuine person. we'll be staying with his sister whom i really get along with. i hope stans parents stay in her in-laws house while we're there. i think i'd die waking up to them every morning for the next two weeks!
haha. also, thank god for time zones. we'd be spending christmas eve on the plane philippine time but at least when we get there, we'd be just in time for christmas eve all over again.

i don't think i will be as crushed as i thought i would be if i didn't get to go. something tells me my place is here sticking out the worst christmas my family will have. first christmas with divorced parents will always be the suckiest. after that, it's just following routine. decisions have to be made. and half the night wil be spent driving from either mom to dad or dad to mom. whichever way it turns out, it'll be miserable. and getting the two of them to sit down at a dinner table is out of the question so i guess i just have to worry about how far i have to drive from point A to point B. i love stan and i desperately want to spend christmas with him but in comparison to spending christmas with the people who put me an the top of the "people i love the most" list, canada doesn't seem too good of an idea anymore. well, if i get my visa then i'll go but part of me is wishing that fate just decides that i stay. stan's been in my life for a little over a year but my family's been in mine for my whole life. maybe i'm being too selfish to bail out on them now. they might be dysfunctional but they're all i have in the end and they're the ones who'll come running when my world crumbles.

and i thought things couldn't get any worse

DENIED! my visa was denied and i have three days to fix it. well, as someone put it, i lead a semi-charmed kind of life. i was denied but i have to thank my lucky stars i'm friends with the first daughter who has graciously offered to help make the canadian embassy give me a visa. IN THREE DAYS. oh well, i guess if the office of the president can't do then it's impossible.

we'll see. but on the other hand, maybe it's fate. i did have lingering second thoughts and anxiety attacks about this so maybe fate has just decided what's best. or maybe it's a trailblazing sign from God or something. or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. ambigious but possibly true.

stan disagrees. "there's no such thing as fate." he says.

the last week is always the worst

i have a week to go. and an awfully long one too. i leave on sunday which leaves me 5 more days since today is practically gone. I haven't packed, work is beginning to become unbearably busy and frustrating, i have not bought gifts for anyone and to make matters worse i'm sick. stuffy nose and scratchy throat. i have no idea how i'm going to get through this week with everything done. oh yeah.. and my visa hasn't arrived yet so i'm still worried about that. stan says not to worry and to start packing. well, at least im going to enjoy my vacation even more after this hellweek is over. and i thought christmas was supposed to be fun in preschool...

by this time next week i'll be snowboarding at cypress. or making a snowman if i can't get up on the board. will take lots of pictures. god knows my friendster pics need updating. haha.

tis the season to be busy. fra la la la la la la la la

my friend: hey! i met a friend of yours the other day. he had alot of things to say about you.
me: really? like what?
my friend: he said that among your friends you're the smartest. but you can't really tell at first.

wonderful. so that's my first impression on some people.

anyway, i'm working my way to my canadian visa. might spend christmas in vegas!! that's not really sure yet but at least its something to look forward to.

at present i still have to get through prelims, thanksgiving fair, and an all out christmas program for the kids. my greatest challenge? choreographing a tambourine dance for 6 year olds. i can dance at a club but this sort of thing is way out of my league. i have 2 weeks to come up with something to oooh and ahhh the parents. and that's not even counting set and costume design that i have been assigned to sort out.

3 weeks and counting... can't wait!!

hopeful

okay.. maybe that last post was a bit premature. apparently, i'm going again. well, at least my chances of going have increased. now it's up to the embassy to give me a visa. here's hoping!!

no happy new year

i think it's final. all hope of spending christmas in canada has gone up in smoke and i'm sweeping the ashes. i got so depressed i skipped work this afternoon to sulk in my bed. another new year alone.. so what's new.. you know how in movies, couples kiss at new years? i never had that. i never got to kiss at new years. and this year will be the same old sad story. that old familiar tinge of heartache i get when the whole world seems to be in euphoria. i guess i'll get over it by the time christmas gets here and drown in it again when the day actually comes.

all good things must come to an end

and so endeth my long weekend. fun fun.. got to go to the beach, got a nice tan, spent lots of time with my nono, got a few nicks and scratches and jellyfish stings but i got to go diving, got lots of rest and relaxation.. pretty much what i wanted to do except the surfing. well, maybe another time. christmas perhaps... if don't end up freezing my ass off in canada. still haven't gotten the nerve to ask. still waiting for the perfect time to do it.

***

my mom's car is busted. it won't reverse. i guess i will be carless for the whole week. again. at least stan offered to pick me up from school tomorrow. yey!

nightlight

school's going to start in two days. i'm kinda excited to see the kids again but kinda not looking forward to waking up early again. considering i've had trouble sleeping for the past few days, i think i'm really going to have to work on resetting my body clock. stan insists that i can't sleep because i keep the lights on. i can't sleep if they're off. to "solve" the problem, he bought me a nightlight. i thought it was a bit funny and a bit cute. well, he isn't really the most romantic person on earth but i think this one scored high.

my hair....

waaaaaaahhh!!! my hair!!!!!!! i've been growing my hair for the past year and i finally got it to long. i've never had it long before and i started getting compliments on my hair. but with all first time long haired people, i didn't take care of it too well and the ends started drying out. my mom suggested i get a trim. about an inch off.

now my hair is 5 inches shorter!!! apparently the moronic stylist felt it was better to chop off a chunk of my hair and totally ignored the "please don't make my hair short." instruction. i'm depressed.

at least stan was a darling in reassuring me that it still looked good. but still.... waaaaaaahhh!!! i miss my hair! the next time i'm going to have hair that long again will be when i'm 25.

***
it's my birthday next friday. i'm still deciding what to do. i already have an outfit ready. but nowhere to go.

***
my other dilemna - to go to canada with stan for christmas or not...

trouble

Oh no, I see
A spider's web is tangled up with me
And I lost my head
And thought of all the stupid things I've said

Oh no, what's this?
A spider's web and I'm caught in the middle
So I turn to run
And thought of all the stupid things I've done

And oh, I never meant to cause you trouble
Oh, I never meant to do you wrong
And oh, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

Oh no, I see
The spider's web and it's me in the middle
So I twist and turn
But here am I in my little bubble

Singing and oh,
I never meant to cause you trouble
And oh, I never meant to do you wrong
Oh, well if I ever caused you trouble
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm

They spun a web for me

links

wonderful. i figured out how to make links.

fast as you can

pickup #1

mid-40 semi balding guy with a marriage band on stops me. "hi"
"hi?" (oh shit.. which tito is this? i think he knows my dad.)
"i'm really glad you bought those shoes, they look good on your feet. hey, you look familiar. where do you work again?"
"uh, i'm a preschool teacher" (uh-oh.. i don't think i know him. prepare to exit.)
"really? can i have your number so you can teach my kids?"
WTF!!!


pickup #2 --> total disaster. don't you just hate it when friends try to get into your pants? even worse when they're friends of your boyfriend. enough said. awful awful awful.

anyway, settled it all and that's one more on cebu's collection of telenovela stories.

in the meantime (while pickup #2 happened) my man is off somewhere in singapore. UNREACHABLE for several hours. i'm pissed. i could have gotten revenge but i didn't. i could have blamed it on alcohol but i didn't. i could have blamed it on him but i didn't. phooey. men!!

random stuff sitting in my draft box:

finally!!! first sem is over and my saturdays will be free for about a month. and in about a month, i'll be turning 24. i don't know, i'm always excited about my birthday but i don't feel like i'm getting any older. i think i kinda got stuck at around 18 and every birthday after that is just that really cool day where everyone treats you really nice and gives you presents.

****

In a conversation I had this week, a friend of mine asked me how my relationship was going. I said the usual… Fine. But lately I’ve been feeling kinda’ uneasy about it all. I think it’s just now that I’ve come to the point of no return. That time when you know that this is exactly what you want and know that it’s what you can’t live without. I know in my heart that this is what I’ll be comparing any other relationship that comes after this one to. I think I’ve found the love of my life. I think I’ve been holding back a little for the past year though things have been great between us. Suddenly, I just feel the whole safety net come lose and everything’s rushing in. However badly I fell apart when I lost the last one will be a smudge on a skyscraper compared to if I lose this one. It’s scary and exhilarating.

Funny how it took me a year for all these feelings to surface.

Stan’s asked me three times this week if I wanted to watch the Miss Earth SWIMSUIT competition today. Sweet of him to include me in his girl ogling. But no thanks really.. I just told him that it was up to him if he really wanted to go and I didn’t really have a preference. But I was kinda leaning towards the NO. I’d rather be doing something productive rather than sit there contemplating bulimia watching skinny girls in skinny bathing suits flaunt their wares.

***

kids...

i think i should write a book. seriously. i think my prep class is a microcosm of the entire world. some quips from my little charges.

background story: all the girls have a crush on this little boy named victor. he's okay looking. half french, half filipino. but the best looking of all the other little boys. i'm meeting his parents the day after tomorrow because of many behavioral problems he's been having. nice way of saying he's REALLY ticking me off.

me: why do you like victor so much?
maki (5 year old japanese girl): i like him because he's strong and dangerous.

i almost choked on my oreo. new insight: i guess a girl's attraction to the bad boy isn't developed after all. it's hard wired into our system.

then there's this little japanese boy i absolutely ADORE. takumi. he's courteous. nice, sweet, thoughtful... i could go on and on about him. he's the type who'd bring you flowers for no reason and pull out your chair. actually, he's more adorable than handsome. the girls don't really think of him as a hearthrob or anything. they just like him because he's nice and helpful and he helps them with their work. ah.. the makings of the "but you're like a brother to me" blow off.

then maki... the one i mentioned earlier. the ring leader, the alpha female, the queen bee. not that pretty but she's slim and tall. not too smart but covers it up by bullying her other classmates. a mean girl (yes, i mean the movie) in the making. she and her two other minions dani and rebecca, pick on the other girls in the class. especially ysa, the prettiest of them all. she's one of the boys and maki's object of desire loves hanging out with her to play ball or go climb a tree. dani adores maki. she's actually smarter and prettier but i think her being a bit chubby weighs a little heavily on her self esteem. maki gets her work done by copying maki and pretends to have come up with it on her own. she dresses like her, talks like her and even signs her name like her. rebecca, on the other hand, is the rebel of the mean girls clique. the one who occasionally mixes with the other girls and can call maki "stupid" to her face. she's street smart. she's also gorgeous. half italian and half dutch and can speak fluently in both languages plus english.

chabeli. the one who'll leave you out to dry. ysa's so called bestfriend, according to ysa. hardly says anything, except to rat on all the bad stuff ysa's done. ysa still thinks she's her bestfriend and is oblivious to all the backstabbing. then there's ju hee whom i really don't know what to make out of. the new girl and she's a non-english speaking korean. tries to imitate the other girls but it backfires.

there's matias. the ultimate mama's boy. girls make him cry on purpose and he falls for it everytime. think of a 5 year old robin williams. that's exactly how he looks. he has the whiniest voice but somehow he's endeared himself to me. he has not just one but a staff of yayas and drivers at his beck and call. one time, he made his driver carry him to the car because it was raining and he didn't wanna get wet. i pity whatever woman ends up with this one.

and who can forget victor. one of a kind. homicidal suicidal. hannibal in the making. he's done everything from almost hang himself from a bridge playset to cut his classmate's hair on a whim. he only writes with a red pencil. he's destroyed 6 chairs, 5 pencils and 4 erasers since the start of class. our directress wants me to set a meeting with his parents and recommend that their son see a psychiatrist. not something i'm looking forward to this week.

i wonder how these kids will turn out to be when they're older.

blast from the past

you know how you have those really weird classmates back in highschool? the ones who never fit in and are incessantly teased because of their hair or the way they smell? i had one. her name was jocelyn. jocelyn limchao. chao-chao for short. queer girl. she was a 7 year old trapped in a woman's body. she hung out with 4th graders when we were seniors. she never combed her hair right and any attempt to put on makeup ended in some picasso painting on her face. she even had those dorky thick glasses to boot. some girls made going to school hell for her. i was sort of neutral. i didn't exaclty like being assigned to sit next to her when we were arranged alphabetically. but she didn't give me any trouble and neither did i give her any. we'd talk sometimes. usually just about what page the teacher was assigning us to read. if i rememberr correctly, it took her 6 or 7 years to finish highschool. sometimes, when me and my highschool friends would talk, she'd sort of come up and we'd wonder how in the world someone like her would fair in that harsh world out there.

today i got to find out first hand.

since it was a holiday and i had nothing to do, i decided to go with stan to his office. guess who i bump into on the way in! chao chao. apparenty stan hired her as a programmer. shock was an understatement. he said she bested all the interviews for that position. but he agreed she was kinda weird. "well, programmers don't really have alot of contact with other people. she should do just fine.", he says. i marvel at his ability to see beyond what i couldn't. i seriously doubted that she would survive college, much less land a pretty good job. i thank all my lucky stars i wasn't horrid to her in highschool. that would have been awkward to say the least.

the monsters under my bed

over lunch the other day:

my mom: aren't you thinking of getting married yet??
me: ???!!!
my mom: you're turning 24 this november. you're not getting any younger.
me: stan's the one getting old. not me.
my mom: that's what i meant.
me: ???

then she went on to lecture my about "shelf life". sad, but true. women depreciate with age but men just get better. so, what's going to happen to me if i don't get hitched by my "expiration date"? and what is it with getting married before 30 anyway? aside from the childbearing factor, so fucking what? i'll still be the same person. maybe a few pounds heavier and a few more wrinkles here and there but i think i'll still be the same.

what's my point?

i think i see marraige differently since i've been a first hand witness of a blossoming marriage turn sour and crumble into nothingness. they were once in love. inseparable. he needed her and she adored him. words of endearment littered the air around them. hugs, kisses. picking him up from after work, the occasional "no reason" present. well, that's how i remember it as a kid. now, she sits alone on the weekends. he lives somewhere else. alimony. lawyers. being civil. growing old alone. three kids who have to split seven days between them. " i don't love you anymore but can we be friends." another woman. she's angry. he's angry.

can anyone tell me why i'd want to rush into that?

they all tell me not to be jaded. maybe i won't suffer the same fate. it's a 50/50 chance. i know my anxieties are apart from what stan and i have. he's wonderful.but they're there. they come out every once in a while.

i guess i'll just have to give myself time. i suppose i'll get used to the idea of this whole mess.

why does it always rain on me?

aiyahh!! of all the weeks in the entire year to have my car sent to the shop, i just had to pick the one when it rains and rains and rains. the boyfriend isn't of much help since he's too busy and too far away to drive me around and stuff so i've had to fend for myself. i think if i were my former self, i would have gone into fits and tantrums over the "neglect". but i guess i've kinda taken pride in being able to take care of myself. also, he's going to Paris sometime September just to use up his airline miles. hmph! Paris would have been wonderful except i have my obligation to my little students and in no way can i afford the trip. i guess i'll just have to contend with pictures and pasalubong when he gets back.

we've been pretty okay though. except we don't really text or talk as much during the daytime. ESPECIALLY when he travels. i almost never hear from him until he gets back. he's usually on business trips and those trips are filled to the brim with money making venture meetings. and just a year ago, my cellphone would be ringing incessantly when he'd be away for more than a day. i guess that's just the way it is. if i were my former self, i'd probably be "resucitating" our romance to death.

i don't know, i just feel it's important to document these "milestone" changes. and i think what they say is true about how love is sweeter the second time around. it doesn't have to be with the same person.

i'm alive!

***

interesting chat i had with a friend a while ago.

me: so, how've you been?
him: okay. jen and i. (yes, we're still kinda sorta together)
me: that's great. but what happened to your ultimatum plan?
him: i have a new outlook in life. care less, play more. (wink wink)i know you know what i mean.
me: hahahaha. wonderful.

for some reason, i've always had a soft spot for him. my bestfriend once told me that if he didn't live so far away, she could see us happily together. i think there's always been some unspoken attraction between us. we did go on a date once a long long long time ago but life was too complicated then for both of us so we left it at that. we never quite picked up where we left off and sometimes i just wonder...

***

stan's birthday was last wednesday. buying him presents is one of the hardest things to do. i ended up buying him a bottle of DKNY perfume that i fell in love with and slaving away for a week hand-painting a story book for him. i think he liked them. he's not really the giddy type. well, he's 34 now. i wonder what i'd be like at 34...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Playful Kisser

Kissing is a huge game for you, a way to flirt and play You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party Or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right!

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

----> and this is what i've managed to accomplish all day. hurray for playing hooky!

happy first anniversary!

Happy First Anniversary to us!

Cheers to a year of happiness and love. It rained all day today and we were pretty busy with work. We're not making big fuss about it coz that's just not us but we both feel special just hanging out and doing the usual. I really wouldn't have had it any other way. There's something comforting about it being not so big a deal. Kinda like there's probably more to come.

and you wonder why i haven't posted anything...

this is the longest week of my life. stan begged me to enroll in this 4 day INTENSIVE training for Apple Tech Help tutorial something something... basta, it involved learning taking apart Macs, troubleshooting, programming and all these things involving technical computer work. he's short on staff for his shiny new Apple store and needs at least three certified Apple techs to get awarded something official by Apple. according to him, he wanted me to be there because he wanted to be sure that he would get three people to pass the exam. i don't know... i'm a little hazy on the details but that was what had to be done. so, i feigned illness and took a sick leave since thursday afternoon so i could join the training. today is monday and we've been training non-stop since thursday. i did pass everything and stan got his award from Apple. so.. i'm now an official Mac specialist, with the papers to prove it.

maya thinks i should take it as a sign that he's planning for the future. i refuse to set my sights that far. (i'm going by the "don't think about the future" philosophy on this one.) i'm just glad it's over. i'm mentally spent although i did get rewarded with a spa date so i've got some of my mental functions back. it was kinda fun though being classmates. and tomorrow... i go back to being a preschool teacher.

... and now,off to bed.

the sweetest thing

sometimes, when you least expect it, he does the sweetest thing just to save the day.

it was my mom's birthday yesterday and we were all going out for dinner. dinner came and it was fantastic. we ate at my bestfriend's boyfriend's japanese restaurant. all of us, except my dad were there. the food was wonderful but i could tell that there was a bit of sadness on my mom's face because for reasons unknown, my dad just wasn't there. i guess i would be too if my husband missed my 50th birthday.

then as dinner was ending, ice cream served on fresh pineapple came along with a quartet of singing waiters made my mom laugh. and when she asked for the bill, one of the waiters said someone had already paid for it and sitting beside me, my stanley grinning from ear to ear told my mom that that was his birthday gift to her since he didn't get her one.

needless to say, we all melted. i, most of all. sigh. =)

one of lifes lemons

today my bestfriend's dad passed away. i cant even begin to comprehend how she must feel since i'm a bit of a wreck myself. it was so sudden and unexpected, we just kinda sat in her room for a while and tried to take in what just happened. i always thought he would walk her down the aisle, coodle her kids, be at my own wedding and live to be one of those wonderfully cranky old men. instead, he chose to go peacefully in his sleep while everyone was busy with their lives.

tito nick was such a character. i have a million and one stories about him which we all love rehashing whenever we get together. like that one christmas when he explicitly made it known that all he wanted was a pack of tighty-whities. and how he used to tease maya that she loved porn since she always watched sex and the city, how he insisted on wearing his favorite polo even when it was so old and holey already. tito nick had one of those distant laughs, the really contageous kind. and he always wore a toupe, a funny looking one till one day he decided to just screw the whole thing and go au naturel. he had a dog named butch whom he loved like a son. siopao and ice pop was always reserved for butch and none of us could touch it. he hated answering the phone and always told us maya was sleeping whenever we called past 9pm. he always made us feel welcome and often struck up the funniest of conversations. at one time, he thought maya and an ex boyfriend of mine were going out behind my back and he got really pissed at her. she had to explain that he just picks her up when we all go out because none of us could drive back then. he lived a really simple life. work, home, and a little bit of casino time. he was one of the those people who never owned a cellphone or beeper since he didn't believe in them. he was a cardiologist and quite ironically he died of heart failure.

he was like a dad to me since i practically grew up in my bestfriends house. i never really knew how much he meant to me till he was gone.

finally. summer camp is over! and i had a full weekend without having to worry about snacks for the kids on monday. haha. i got a pedicure, manicure, took out all unwanted hair, went to the beach, got a golden tan and basically lounged around stan's house with "my" new iBook G4. i feel like a woman again. and a hot one at that. hehe.

stan's stuff for the Apple store arrived and he handed me an iBook to use while we're together. nifty little thing. i'm in love with it. in exchange he has me reading up on everything about Macs and iPods so i can help him during the first few months of the store. yeah yeah.. i'm so wifely now. i've been deciding on flooring, cabinets, colors... it's scarey. and he likes running things by me which i think is wonderful. i secretly love it that he thinks my opinion is important and he takes the time to makes important decisions with my input.

today we got matching flu shots. his mom, who is one of the nicest-in-her-own-way women i know, sat us down and poked our arms with needles. stan's mom can be intimidating and she really is the head of that household but i think it's so sweet how she kinda includes me in her shopping list and gives me little "family" responsibilities like making sure stan calls the house if we're not eating dinner with them.

next week, i get to wear heels again and dress up. i've been in shorts and rubber shoes the whole month of May and i was kinda getting tired of my kikay-ness being supressed.

cheers to one month of being childless! (school starts july 13).

facial

he made me laugh for almost 10 minutes straight last night.

i wanted to give myself a facial but he wanted me to hang out in his house and watch tv. healthy compromise: bring my facial stuff there. i asked him if he wanted me to give him a facial and he willingly obliged even though i could see that he was tired and had some work to do at home. so we went through the whole routine together, soaping, scrubbing, slathering... and while we were letting those leave-in-for-10-minutes masks dry his dad (who is one of the most conservative and can be really stiff at times) called him because he wanted to discuss business.

i cringed for him and he was laughing so hard already as he walked over to the study and i heard his dad kinda chuckle when he got there. i was in heaps of laughter on the couch.

saturdays

he goes to work on saturdays and for some reason, he likes taking me with him. i tinker with the pcs, talk to a friend who now works for him (i pirated him from my old ad agency), dream up renovation plans, snack, fall asleep on the bean bag provided for me in his office... now, i have an added responsibility of making the ads for his new apple store and deciding on what floor to put, how many shelves to make etc etc.

last saturday, he got pissed at me. well, rightfully so i guess. i just added more stress to his already bad day. a really good friend of mine got admitted to the hospital and i could not NOT visit him. i guess i just chose the most unoppurtune time to do it. he wanted to go to the office in the morning but didn't because i wanted to make a visit. i guess i got a bit carried away with conversation and was an hour late. poker faced and huffy, he let me kiss him on the cheek and drove to the office very calmly reprimanding me for my misconduct.

i felt like a little child who ate too many cookies or something.

well, soon my saturdays are going to be spent in school. i still get moments of uncertainty and i wonder what the hell i'm doing. i guess, i can't think of anything else i want to do and i don't want to let go of my "plan" coz then i'm going to go back to being unfocused and goal-less which i hate.

job hazard

i took my class on a field trip yesterday. we went to our farm up in the mountains and everything went beautifully until i just had to ask if they wanted to ride horses. so one by one, they rode the horses. then came dani's turn. she's a beautiful, sweet and charming little 5 year old whom i adore. but she's a little on the heavy side. i lift her up to get on the horse but she's really too heavy for me to get on to the saddle. her legs fall a little short and she accidentally kicks the horse. i'm unable to get out of the way in time and end up getting kicked by the horse about 2 cm above my knee cap. we both fall to ground and thank God nothing happened to her. i, on the other hand, am probably going to hobbling for a while and high on painkillers since it was a pretty bad bruise. i have a freekin hoof mark on my leg.

i should get job hazard pay.

postponing

i've decided that it's too much of a hassle to go to manila for the weekend with my parents so i'm staying home. sorry ka. =( we haven't even left yet and they're at each others throats. plus, they've decided to stay separately even if the trip is only two days. having to pick where i'm going to stay is not something i want to do this weekend. but there's a VUDU AT EMBASSY thing happening at the end of may so maybe i'll just save my manila trip for that instead. apparently, all the usual suspects of VUDU are going. so we'll see..

on other news, i got contacts!! finally! after months of waiting through messed up orders. the world looks so clear and real. i never really knew what i looked like till now, from afar anyway. hehe. gawd. i feel like a kid who just learned to read.

aside from that, life's pretty normal and the same.

BORAX

what on earth is BORAX? i've searched everywhere... grocery, pharmacy, hardware etc etc.. and no one can tell me what it is! i need it to make slime for my science class. if anyone can help me. please do.

ex issues

his ex issues:

him: i have a crazy feeling she's going to call or text me sometime soon.
me: it better not be this week because i'm totally PMSing.
...the back story...
his ex is going out with a guy whom we suspect has gotten a mutual friend of ours pregnant approximately 6 months ago. well, it's water under the bridge for the couple i guess since his ex and the guy got together just a couple months ago.we assume she already knows what she's gotten into. but now that our friend is out of hiding and walking around town with a prominent belly, everyone's buzzing with chismis.

my ex issues:

the ex: crazy question, would you like to watch emm gryner? with me?
me: uh, just because we've been sort of getting along lately doesn't mean i'm going out with you. you keep forgetting i'm in a relationship that i care very deeply about. us going out is a total impossibility. i'm sorry. i really hope you're over me now.
...the back story...
i CANNOT hold a grudge. forgiveness is second nature, so sue me. and i mean this as a general trait.. not just to a select few. i definetely have a bitch bone but it's pretty short fused. we kinda made up a few weeks ago. let's just say i got caught off guard in a really good mood. shit happens. this is good anyway. i've got no hang ups, no rancor towards anyone. long live world peace. but he says he'll never get over me. knowing him, maybe this is more about winning than it is about love. love could have saved us but it didn't show up when it could have. now it's too late and i'll forever be the one who rubs salt in his wounds. his choice, not mine.

crisis management:
his ex issues
much as i would hate for him to coo her into sanity, i'd let the waterfall fall. rule number one. men will do whatever they want no matter what. rule number two. women rock! rule number three. a violation of trust is not acceptable. forgiveness will eventually happen but there will be dire consequences. rule number four. trust him with your life, heart, soul.. until he fucks it up. innocent until proven guilty rationale.

what i said to him that people don't normally say:
well, if you chose someone else in the end then i'll be hurt of course. but at least i was loved by you at one point so i guess it'll work out for both of us.

yeah yeah.. i got all emotional and went belly up exposing everything i had to offer. better to have said what you wanted to say than regret not ever having said it at all.

i think there's a certain freedom you gain in showing the whole deck of cards once in a while as opposed to keeping them so closely held all the time. good for you who can actually muster the courage and say it before the moment passes you by. no matter what you do, love will always end in tears. a break up... death. so why be afraid of throwing all care to the wind and basking in the wonderfulness of voicing love out. i think i would hate for the one i love to remember nothing but small talk in our relationship.

so what's in store for me:
same old, same old. life goes on as usual and i deal with it one at a time. maybe i'm stressing over nothing. maybe i'm setting myself up for heartache. the key is balance. i learned that the hard way. one thing i know is, i'm stronger than i thought i was. what i thought would break me down forever, built me up even more. i guess what they say is true.. whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

my song to you luv.

Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you unless you have a net

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

Balloons
Look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
Upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly boy

anonymous bad day

hitting another PMS slump. i have FINE LINES around my eyes!!! i'm panicked. i'm aging. a wave of regret is starting to creep up on me. it must be sun damage. all those hours lying down in the glorious sun to get that sun kissed tan. on top of that, i feel like no matter how hard i work out, i'm not losing any weight. pout pout pout.

on the upside, shopping date tomorrow with my bestfriend. i'm not even going to care if i run my savings to the ground.

bad habits starting to crawl into my system. caffine, my once in a while nicotine.. etc. etc.

dammit

CONIO!!

i cracked. i said it last night. cuddling on the couch and my head was resting on his shoulder. i couldn't help it. i forgot all about my experiment and whispered "i love you". oh well.. i guess i never was the type to hold back.

the next reality show

when most people think of preschool teachers, a woman in her twenties who pleasant, patient and sooooooooo nice comes to mind. well, that was my impression of preschool teachers anyway, until i actually became one.

apparently there's this war going on between the teachers in school and you're either on one side or the other. it started between two teachers who were bestfriends and then some other new teacher came in. now dubbed the "devil herself" by the others, she made up alot of intrigues that caused the two friends to fight, which therefore divided up the whole school into this really big mess.

it's a little retarded though, i must say. but everyone seems to be so into it. gossip, cold icy stares in the hallways, loud meant-to-be-heard comments, sabotages. there's even one girl who throws up whenever she sees the "devil" from the other side. and i'm not joking. she runs to the bathroom and pukes whenever she meets her in the hall. and i've seen it happen!! and there's a stolen videotape of them sabotaging the graduation ceremony of the prep class. i just shut up and listen to their stories but it looks like my "side" has been decided for me since i hang out with one group of teachers because i was assigned to them so naturally i'd form a friendship with them faster than with anyone else.

and preschool is supposed to be a happy carefree place! oh.. and they can really drink. haha. and one girl lives next to a weed farm in the province. she even offered to bring me grade A weed next time she visits her province if i really want. WTF! and on the other side of the spectrum is a really charming girl who's 27 and hasn't had a boyfriend yet and lives in fairytale land with her imaginary prince charming who'll materialize into reality someday.

i feel like i'm in some really twisted TV show.

you first.

today:

went diving in hiluntungan with hannah and stan. BEAUTIFUL. not to mention, one dive takes up about 1,000 cals. and i did two dives. i should do this more often.


on other news:

i've embarked on a little experiment. i've stopped saying "i love you" to him. i've kinda noticed that it's more or less, if not always, me who says "i love you" first in this relationship. not that i really mind... okay fine, since i'm a girl i'm entitled to mind. haha. but just a teeny tiny bit. but i'd really like to be on the "i love you too." end of it. i know he loves me but i guess it's different when he says it first without my prompt. in my past relationship i've also been the one who gave more and that really didn't get me anywhere. i had a talk with my bestfriend once and she told me that i really had to learn to wait and receive. so here i am.. two days and counting and he hasn't said it first. hehe. i wonder what the total tally of days will be. hmmmm...

now if i can only RESIST saying it.

better

hmm.. i thought my blog needed a face lift. and the other template was too hard to read. better now, don't you think?

anyway, i've decided to plant dill. as a business. dad and i were talking over lunch and he was telling me how much a kilo of dill goes nowadays. you can make a thousand bucks or more a week! looks like i'm going to be spending alot of time up there in the farm. dad's going to give me my own little parcel of land to farm. stan's pretty busy with his upcoming Apple store and i don't want to be the pining-away-life-on-hold girlfriend. plus i get to make a few bucks on the side.

***

i totally splurged on a pair of italian gold earrings the other day. it was a pretty good imitation of that cartier design with the screws. what the hell was i thinking?! oh well, they're really pretty and i haven't bought myself something this expensive in a really long time.

***

i have a feeling i'm going to gain even more weight if i don't enforce my diet strictly. my closest friends at school is a pregnant girl and the other eats like a borse but never gains weight. haha.

burps and farts

i've often wondered when stan and i will make that transition into the sort of couple that doesn't put up pretense anymore. you know, the type that burps, farts, craps and does other bodily functions in the presence of their significant other.

today might be the start of those things to come.

stan usually calls me before he goes to bed. tonight the phone rang, as expected. and i pick up.

me: "hello. hello. hello? heellloooo?"
him: says absolutely nothing for a good three minutes and all i hear is him eating junkfood with the TV noise. i can tell it's him because we've talked EVERYDAY for almost a year so i'm pretty familiar with the background noise.
me: "baby?"
him: *crunch crunch crunch crunch*
me: "what are you doing?"
him: mumble mumble mumble (it's inaudible with all the crunching)

haha. yes folks. i am now entering that realm. well, stan is anyway. hahahaha.

massive update

i actually skipped gym to blog. haha. i just had to update the sad state my blog was rotting in. significant events in a nutshell:

two weeks ago:
andie left for manila to attend ballet camp at CCP. just yesterday, hannah announced that we were all going to manila mid may to watch her recital. first family outing in two years. blink blink. stare. blink blink.

lately:
been the target of both parental units. god knows why. do i have a sign on my back that says "Punching Bag"? me thinks they're taking out their frustrations of each other on me.

trying desperately to diet and lose weight. decided on a sweets on weekends only deal. gaaaaaahhh!

last friday:
my prep class graduated. hugs and kisses i will miss.

saturday:
garage sale with maya and liza. fun times. i miss hanging out with my girls. cafe havana finally opened in cebu. mangojito rocks!

sunday:
the beach. nuf said!=) oh yeah.. jellyfish got me. i have itchy welts on my arms and legs and chest!

yesterday:
played hooky to do personal errands. stan's ex dropped by his office to have him fix her ipod. blink blink. stare. blink blink.

me: c u in a bit. gonna leave after lunch.
him: okay, candy's here having her ipod fixed.
me: oh okay. i won't rush then. *wink*
him: haha! okay ra uy. come over.
me: no, that's okay. will wait till you're done. i'll be really uncomfortable.
him: fine fine
me: mwah! =)

her ex (who is the older brother of an ex fling of mine whom i went out on a couple of dates with WHILE still being involved with his brother and ended up being really close to me, him and his brother) called me to hang out since he was here from the states. ha! =P

ahem!

oi. i'm alive! stress has been eating me alive the past few days. i'm in dire need of some sun, sand and sea this weekend.

anyway, much to say that can't be said. haha.

chicken yakisoba

thank God for spicy chicken yakisoba. haha. i've got absolutely nuts over it.

my prep kids are graduating in a week. i'm scrambling to get all their presentation numbers polished, wrapping up their lessons, finishing their yearbooks... next school year all of them will be going to other schools. it didn't really hit me that i'd only have a few days with them till Adi (cute little 6 year old with brown eyes and sandy blonde hair) me if i could be their teacher forever and transfer school as well. aaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwww... shit. i'm going to miss these kids.

people are people

I am the one
who believes in all that you say
I am the one
who never wants to define herself
I am the one
who’s paralell, upfront, behind
I am the one
paddling like crazy through the night

Refine, old time, colourblind
Big sign, do time, doesn’t rhyme
A lot, to much, standing tall
And I’m crying in the valley:
“I shall never, ever fall!”

People are people
and I feel so strong
People are people and I’m
going on

I am the one
who stirs it up everytime
I am the one
who never knows how close she is
I am the one
who’d rather be dead than confess
I am the one
trying to be good, wanting to be bad and so on

Excess, temptress, big mess
Phoney, lonely, it’s a test
Be still my heart, don’t you fail
And I’m crying on the stagefloor:
“I will always prevail!”

I’m going on…

-people are people, d'sound


i feel my strength starting to fail me and my talons slowly finding it's way to his sleeve. blame it on routine, blame it on familiarity. but as soon as things kinda make a side trip off the ordinary, i get panicked. in the words of the great coldplay "nobody said it wa easy, no one ever said it would be this hard."
ay.. it's a struggle to keep your game face on when you feel like screaming foul! nerves standing on end. heart pumping. thoughts racing. hopefully this is all just some really bad PMS.

me: (quoted from kaka) being cheated on should be like chicken pox. it should only happen to you once in a lifetime.
my comfort blanket: he's not the type. he never has. of all of us guys, he's had the lowest score. you're really getting paranoid.
me: yeah, i think i'm traumatized for life.

happay birthday hannah

my poor pc has THIRTY FIVE frikkin viruses. it just got back from the stans shop a few days ago. but now, my frikkin modem won't connect. thank God for computer savvy boyfriends. hopefully stan can fix it.

***

just dug myself out of a major mood swing that lasted for days and days and days. i felt like staying in bed all day. and it got even worse when stan told me that he might go to manila for the weekend for sherwins birthday. i didn't want him to go for all the insane, irrational reasons that make sense to women. but i refused to get emotional and let that show. i smilingly offered to take him to the airport and pick him up when he got back but i subtley let it slip that i had plans to party hard while he was gone because i didn't believe in sitting around and waiting for him. teehee. guess that kinda worked because he ended up staying instead.

we're exactly 3 months away to being one year together and so far it's been one of the best years of my life. he hasn't made me cry yet, our arguments have never escalated into major fights, he's far from perfect but i love him more each time i discover some weird quirk, even though he doesn't know i get jealous i see him taking an effort to avoid making me feel bad , i feel independent but never abandoned, my family loves him to death, he calls more than i call, i used to need to hear "i love you" all the time but he's changed all that.

maybe things would get better over the years, maybe it's all downhill from this point. i'm just so thankful for the experience to finally find what i've been looking for.
***

hannah's birthday today. barbeque and make-it-yourself smore party at the house tonight. stan and i have a little suprise for her. (incase she reads this, i won't blog about it just yet). she will kill me after, but the look on her face will be worth it! (evil cackle)

puppy love

i think mischief is mad at me.for those who need to be reminded, mischief is my 4 year old shihtzu poodle, the love of my life. lately, i've been out all day. i practically just come home to change clothes and sleep. between my new job, gym and stan i really have my plate full. normally, she's really understanding and she still waits by the door for me everynight. but i think it's the really long weekend i spent away from home that really did me in this time. i came home and found all my shoes and my hamper entrails scattered on the floor. mischief, who's in the middle of the mess, huffily walks away as i enter the room. i offer her "peace" treats and rub her tummy for a good ten minutes. i guess we're cool now.

back to reality

bantayan wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. it was kinda relazing actually, if not for the fact that stan and i had to squeeze into a twin sized bed and share one pillow for two nights. manger and his girlfriend may decided to come and they were an essential part of the trip since manger brought his speedboat along. they're my favorite couple to double date with anyway since manger comes with all these cool toys. and since they're practically all over each other most of the time, stan and i can also have a little bit of alone time.

the beach was great. i'm sunburnt to a crisp but i dare say i look gorgeous with my new color so the screaming pain whenever something touches my back is worth it. stan isn't too hot about his sunburn. he's been cranky since we got back. being the dutiful loving girlfriend that i am, i devoted the whole afternoon slathering cooling gel on his shoulders. and stanley, being the dutiful loving boyfriend that he is, brought me to the spa where someone else could slather oil on my back.

funny how we manage to take care of each other but in different ways. i think this is the classic older man-younger woman relationship.

ironically holy week

one more day till holy week and i don't think i lost a single effing pound!!! for the lack of a better idea, stan and i are going to bantayan this weekend. since a couple of his friends are going, we might as well. ordinarily, bantayan is a quiet little island just off cebu surrounded by white sugary sand and crystal clear water. an almost picturesque romantic vacation, except on holy week ALL of cebu is heading that way too. the little quiet island becomes party central while the mainland holds its reverence for our Saviours death. i'm not too hot about going. and it's not because i'm devoutly religious. i HATE having to share the beach with throngs of people and i don't want to go even more because i feel really dumpy in my bathing suit. maybe my fabulous el cheapo shades with my dazzling 50 buck earrings will throw them off from my problem areas. but it's four days away from home which has become a warzone so i'll take it. i just hope there will be people looking dumpier in their bathing suits over there.

***

i've been tasked to orchestrate a 3 minute audio visual presentation for my graduating prep students. i have about a couple of weeks to work on it but i'm kinda rusty on my photoshop so that isn't alot of time plus i have to use powerpoint frikkin version 2000 which i loathe. if it weren't for the wonderful hugs and kisses i get from them everyday i would have weasled my way out of it.

today, i assisted in their cathecism class called beansprouts and we talked about Jesus crucifixion and resurrection. and to drive the point home, the lead teacher had a special project where we baked bread to symbolize the death and resurrection of our good Lord.

first we dipped a marshmallow into melted butter which symbolized the oils Mary Magdalene used to on Jesus' body. and then we rolled the marshmallow into cinammon symbolizing the spices that were used to preserve him. yes. Jesus was the marshmallow. and then we rolled the marshmallow into a little piece of dough to signify that Jesus was buried and sealed into a tomb. i had to hold back laughter when the kids were really calling their marshmallows Jesus.

"can you pass me a Jesus?"
"my Jesus won't fit in the dough."
"can i eat the extra Jesus?"

and when the bread was baked, the kids were asked to open their little bread to discover that the marshmallow had melted away... to signify that the tomb was empty and that Jesus had risen from the dead.

teacher: what happened to Jesus?
iya: he got kinda brown and sticky.

oh well, so much for reverence. i think this lesson plan needed a little more tweaking. ah, better to learn from the mistakes of others rather than your own. i would have died and hoped never to resurrect if that happened to me.

what to do...

hmmm. what to do for holy week? stan said he's too busy to plan it but he wants to do something with me. and since i'm the less busy one, i have to plan it. hmm.. okay.. so, what to do.. what to do...

ramblings

i splurged again on another set of eyeshadow... somehow in the store, my brain rationalized that it was a need. a need to have a new set of bright summery colors to go with bright summery outfits. and now... an hour later after oohing and aahing over my treasure. my brain says to me "honey, now you need bright summery outfits!"

well, i'm not really an impluse buyer but i needed to destress from all the stress i was under the past few days. me and ton had a bit of a showdown. it all started when he had the gall to harass my friends over why they weren't friends anymore. he even played the whole "but i met her first" card which was uberly PATHETIC. (long story which i do not wish to relive all over again) so there. i've never been attacked this way and i've never blown up as badly as i did. i have very few enemies. hmm.. on second thought. i don't have any enemies. i just made my first one last night.

all of that plus an avalanche of visual prompts sent to me by kaka this morning kinda made me look back at how much i've changed since then. all i have to say is "shit! i'm so glad i came to my senses!" i've learned in the hardest and most painful way possible NEVER to forget that you are complete in yourself. boys who love you are the icing on your cake. if you want something to totter after you - get a poodle. love should be able to happily let go and know that he will come back to you.

i used to be terrified of the space between him and me because who knows what could slip between us. a new hobby, work, another girl, friends... so i held him so tightly. he's still an asshole for cheating though but maybe it wouldn't have ended so painfully on my part if i had not made him the center of my universe in the first place and given him everything and more.

so do i love stanley less because i keep some things for myself? in my last relationship, i plunged head first into it and was ready to sacrifice anything and everything that stood between me and him. but now, i pause and think of what's good for me. i think i love him more because i'm loving myself too. i remember someone telling me once that love is like a bar of soap. if you hold it with a closed fist, it'll slip right through your fingers. but if you hold it with an open palm, it'll stay there.

it isn't easy holding my tongue and resisting the urge to lash out when i feel him straying a little too far away me. or when he's brooding and quiet and i just want to shake him up demand that he tell me EVERYTHING. or the push that unsettling feeling out my stomach when i know he's talking to a girl, or worse his ex, on the phone.

i've made up my mind that love isn't worth it if we have anything less than complete and total trust. so i give him his space as a testament to that trust. ps2 with his friends, respecting work time as the "no calling zone", the going out with his friends after he's dropped me home, his thoughts when he's quiet, the exes i don't know but he's still friends with.

so far, we've been sailing on calm waters. the sky gets cloudy sometimes but the sunshine of his smile clears it all up.

kakas 2nd visit to cebu

this blog is in honor of the 4 fabulous days we had kaka over in cebu. and since we had SOOOOOOOOO much fun. real time blogging proved to be impossible. these are the highlights of our weekend:

thursday
don't panic! it's organic! apparently peer pressure still gets to you even at the "mature and level headed" age of 23. and it's even worse when you succumb to the pressure of your YOUNGER sister and her bad ass boyfriend. oh vell.. but it started with the "since it's a special occasion" theme kaka started at dinner as she scarfed down almost 2 platefuls of meat and rice which she never does... unless it's a special occassion.

to tell or not to tell the boyfriend. well, let's just say every girl needs her little harmless secrets because every boy has his big and nasty ones.

quote of the day: "is it just me, or is the floor sinking?"

friday
cheap ass fabulous sunglasses. accessory hoopla at the ukay ukay. pish posh cocktailing at cowrie cove. skipping details on the cheeskake and lumina on irc story. stalking people on friendster till the wee hours of the morning.

saturday
hannah, me and kaka in our farm up in the mountains which we fondly call The Shire. foot long hard-ons because one of the horses got horny and we got scandalized. lol. headrushes. sleepy eyes. i'm me but not myself. running into the psychotic ex at vudu, the LAST place i ever thought i'd bump into him. talking well past our bedtime.

sunday
bling bling speedboat right. flirting flirting flirting. the boys mainly anyway.. a million pictures taken. one word - SISIG!! and... buhbye kaka.. till next time!!

i wonder when we'll meet next. next stop.. boracay together. that should be AWESOME! by the way, ka.. next time you come you don't have to bring a toothbrush. hehe

the day before

well, okay.. i guess my mourning is almost over. i don't cry as often and the heart wrenching moments i get when i remember her get a little less heart wrenching. although i did get a little teary eyed over a scene while watching sweet home alabama last night where reese witherspoon visits the grave of her dog.

him: you're such a crybaby. i've never met anyone who cries as much.

sooo!! i think it's just better to let it all out in tears rather than keep it inside and take it out on people. but that's just me.

anyway... i can't believe it! kaka's coming to cebu tomorrow!!! with milk chocolate chip cookies from mrs. fields!! yes, i happen to live in a little half baked city without mrs. fields and baskin robbins. but it's home and i love it.

i'm a little under the weather with a nasty throat thing and a bit of a cold but that really won't stop us from having fun. i'm resting today so hopefully i will be rid of this tomorrow. i think i might have gotten this from one of the kids at school though. i can't help myself and i give everyone hugs and kisses! those kids are just so adorable.

him: MUST get flu shot!!

yeah yeah yeah. and that's just one of the things i promised him i'd do. some of those include tinting my car, getting contact lenses (since i can't see and absolutely refuse to wear glasses) and a whole list of other "errands" for my own good which i can't remember right now. teehee.

but anyway... this will be a fun fun fun fun weekend cebu style. the mountains, the beach, the food, the clubs, the dancing and debauchery. i'm getting butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it!!!!!

first week as a teacher

i started apprenticing at the preschool i was applying to this week. it's a litttle quaint preschool called Discovery Zone about 10 minutes away from my house... and 4 minutes away from stan's. anyway, so far i'm loving every single minute of it. i'm back to waking up at 6:30 AM everyday - something i haven't done since highschool. the kids are just ADORABLE!! it's kinda like a mini international school so all the kids are pretty much squishably cute. but man. the noise they can create can be a bit unbearable at times. but they're really fun and witty. i love listening to their conversations. they're so CUTE!!! i mean really really cute. and they're so sweet. five minutes after i'm introduced they ask if i can stay forever and not just for the week. i'm getting so attached to them already. i'm trying to get accustomed to the whole "teacher chezka" thing though. i don't know.. it just registers weirdly everytime i hear it.

i still have a week more of apprenticing to do and then i guess we'll see what happens next.

phrase of the day: "the number three looks like a three!" - ysa 5 years old.

totally unrelated...
yehay!!!! charissa's coming to cebuuuuu!!!

evil truly exists

some stupid prick texted me today that he has my popples but that he won't give her back. it wasn't even a real text, it was one of those Chikka texts. in my desperation i offered him an insane amount of money.. but no.. he just wants MY baby. that totally fucked up my otherwise beautiful day. the rational part of brain tells me he's just some heartless bastard looking for a cheap thrill, the other part is just sad.. not your ordinary sad.. beyond comprehension sad that someone would do that be it true or not.

karma's going to get you back, you greedy mother fucker.

my darling popples is lost. =(

my darling popples is lost. she got lost when my dad brought andie to ballet class. i'm really not sure how it happened but she's lost. i'm starting to come to terms with my grief. i feel like i lost a child. i love all my dogs with all my heart and she was especially special because she's only barely 4 months old.

cebu!!!!

kaka's coming to cebuuuuuuu!!! hahahaha. i'm so excited, i can hardly sit still!!! we were just talkingabout it.. innocently toying around with what-ifs.

kaka: i'm JUST going to ASK. JUST so i know...

2 hours later:

kaka: it's final!! my ticket is bought and paid for. looks like i'm really going. i asked my mom the night before and she said yes!

hahahahaha. classic.

man, we are going to have so much fun here.

PMS

aiyahh.. i'm DYING of PMS. it's not even funny anymore. i feel like a walking waterbed. even my feet are swollen! i had to pick out the thinnest socks i could find to wear with my sneakers because my feet refused to get inside the f*%$ing shoe. and at the gym, i felt like a beached whale next to all those skinny people barely breaking a sweat while i was there huffing and puffing away on the crosstrainer. hot flashes. EATING binges. mood swings and jiggly everything from water retention. even my wrists feel fat. waaaahhhh... =(

on the bright side, PMS just lasts few days. then the ickiness of it all begins. being a woman isn't a joke. men should at least at one point of their lives know what it feels like to have a period. and all the mood swings and physiological side effects due to hormonal wack-out.

ode to the nice guy

i have always had more guy friends that girl friends, even if i did go to an all-girls catholic high school for the most part of my life. "one of the boys" has always been my place in life. i got this off another journal. this is for all my guy friends.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal...

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute, beautiful, smart, funny, sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style. This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldnt worry about it.
This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing serious between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "Oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches.Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "Oh, he's too nice to date or he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me or he already puts up with so much from me, I couldnt possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "No, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever.There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single. So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know youre sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

the drama unfolds

my computer is mute. i think my antiquated speakers have finally given up on me. i'm pretty worried that the other parts aren't far behind. the monitor is showing signs of dying out too. on the upside, an excuse to buy a new one. on the downside, that's WAAAAY out of my budget. oh well, we'll see how it goes.

on the neither up nor down side but just plain soap opera-ish as my life was meant to be. anthony's mom called me up. this isn't the first time she's done this since we've broken up but this is quite unexpected since we broke up more than a year ago.

tita: hi! i called you because i heard you were getting married!"

uh, no. we are not. no wedding bells ringing anytime soon. anyway, she goes on with some small talk about her new negosyo and stuff... i sit there on my couch mmhmming and ah reallying along. waiting. waiting for her to bring it up. part of me thinks that i should have just made some excuse not to talk but part of me knows that this will never go away until you drive in the nails. she talked about her plans to renovate the house since it's just her and tonton now. she mentioned her other money-making plans for her and tonton which is basically constructing a house in their pretty big backyard and renting it out to executives. she went on to mention the real reason why she called. if you haven't guesses right now, you must be special. =P

she asked, in so many words, if there was any hope of us getting back together. she said ton was really depressed and that he was well... languishing in misery to put it shortly. he was back into music though and was thinking of leaving for malaysia for two years. curious. somehow, she kinda asked me to talk to him or do something to stop him from leaving.

it was touching that she still thought of me as part of the family. but at the same time i was irritated at the burden that she placed on me. i loved him with everything i had and more for the past 5 years. although i still do care, it's not the same. there is no hope of reconciling. no hope of rekindling our romance. there's just no hope. i've passed the point of no return. i told her all this (even if it killed me inside to do it) in kinder words of course. i owe her alot and hurting her wasn't something i relished. she was there for me during our breakup and gracious enough to tell me the truth when everyone else sugarcoated it or avoided it or told me the mandatory its-going-to-be-okay when in fact it wasn't. she told me to move on. find someone else and forget.

anyway. ending this overly sappy whiny blog. the shit just got shittier. on the same day, a few hours after we talked his cousin texted me and asked if we could meet because she was really worried about ton. man... when it rains it pours. anyway, i kinda put that off for a while. in other words, ignore till i come up with some sort of action that stands on my principles but doesn't make me the heinous bitch.

i'm happy. i'm in love and i'm going to hang on to this for as long as i can.

the sleeping pill

he calls me up everynight but he doesn't have anything in particular to talk about. we "talk" for about two hours until he gets sleepy... which is actually me doing all the talking and rambling and him eating his midnight snack and watching tv and "mmhmm-ing" to the stuff i say and sporadicaly sharing some of his thoughts every now and then. sometimes we don't say anything at all for about 10 minutes. i'm staring into space or trying to get sleepy and i can hear the tv on on his end. basically, he just calls me as if to spend the last minutes of consciousness with me before he dozes off. i think it's awully sweet even if it is kinda odd. it's kinda like we're lying next to each other... only we're not.

stress mess

gawd.. this getting-a-job stage in one's life can be SOOOOO stressful. MORE stressful that the actual job itself. a part of me wants to just settle and get any job i can find so people would just shut up about it already and the other part wants to wait it out and really go for something that i love. i've kind of decided that i want to teach but since you have to wait for the schoolyear to start, waiting might take a while. more than making money, i believe in being fulfilled and happy.. the money will just come. but i don't know.. maybe i'm just too idealistic and sometimes you really do have to settle. there's only one other person i know who thinks like this and he isn't doing too well. i'm so afraid of ending up like him too. well, we will see. one day at a time.

on a lighter note, i got my self a pair of really cute and really really really cheap sunglasses.. in the name of summer. 175 Php. beat that! and it doesn't have that fake designer name slapped on to the lens or anything. it just doesn't have a name which i think is cool.

buikd weekend coming up and i'm so excited. this should be fun. just my friends and a whole house to ourselves up in the mountains. yipee!!

happily ever after

valentines has come and gone like frenzied love-making. you wait and wait and wait for it and when it finally happens, it's over all too soon. we had a full course dinner at tinderbox and then spent the rest of the night just talking, goofing around his house and ate mrs. fields chocolate cookies (my favorite forever and ever and ever) which i thought was perfect.

since i had the time, and the inspiration... i made a little memento for our first valentine together. it was a blue box which i decorated with hand-painted pop ups to look like a grassy meadow on a sunny day and a kite was hanging from the top opening flap which said "pull if you love me." on the string i tied in hearts with the colors of the rainbow each written with a nice moment we had or something we did together and at the end was a little Sunshine Bear Carebear i bought. well, it looked like a kindergarten project... all colorful and giddy. but i loved seeing the smile on stanleys face as he pulled out the "suprise". he looked a bit disoriented at the thought of doing something a bit childish but i think he liked it. i got a great big hug and a million kisses.

yeah yeah yeah.. i'm getting all mushy and gushy. but i might as well relish it because next valentines we could be suffering from a winter of discontent due to disillusion (see previous entry).

quote of the day: "the shortest valentine fairy tale: once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me", she said "no". and the guy lived happily ever after."

the start of disillusionment

i'm about fucking ready to hurl that goddamn mother fucking contraption called PS2 out the window. it's been 7. yes, count them S-E-V-E-N long hours and they've still been at it. i've napped, i've chatted, i've had dinner, i've watched TV, i've blogged, i've read...

anyhow, reading through tons and tons of articles and magazines i came upon one of great interest to many who may be suffering the what-went-wrong lull in the once blissful we're-so-perfect beginning of a relationship."The Science of a Happy Marriage." apparently, any relationship on earth goes through these 4 stages just because men are men and women are women.

Stage 1: Romance
blame it on oxcytoxin to make him that storybook-mr.-perfect. otherwise known as a "bonding hormone", high levels of it make us hide irritating behaviours from each other. during this stage, our pheromones are so high the seperate male and female minds become like one. but like all good things, lovers' bliss ultimately ends and then begins another stage of the relationship.

Stage 2: Disillusionment
off come those rose colored glasses and our cerebral cortex begins to notice that our partner is "flawed". this usually happens after a few months or even a year of being together. our brain chemistry and our hormones begin to change and sometimes we may even start to feel irritation or anger towards our once pedestaled deities. the brain chemicals that took over during the early part of the relationship have dissipated, as if the rug was pulled out from under love. although alarming, this chemical letdown of both their brains is a normal stage, and necessary or helping two very different brain systems come together for life.

Stage 3: Power Struggle
those who have landed back to reality will normally try to change the person to who they were when they met. men and women who are going through this will have the added difficulty of being "neurally different" for the male and female brains think, act, behave and even love quite uniquely. generally a painful (gasp.) time, most couples don't realize that this could actually be the key to a long-term marriage. as the romance ebbs, men might want to be more independent and women might want to have more contact with her friends. picking at each other mercilessly often happens at this stage because of our differing attitudes towards independence. this is about 7-8 years into the relationship.

Stage 4: Awakening
finally, the light at the end of the tunnel but this will require one or both to awaken something that has been hiding beneath the surface. what alot of couples don't notice before the drifting apart is that there is another step that goes unnoticed. the couple becomes too close, erasing one another's individuality. a man might see his partners need to communicate, emotionality and desire for sensual romance as a waste of time. she might see her partners habits, hobbies, preoccupation with work and need for independence as dangerous and selfish. when the couple finally awakens, they realize that they've become too close to each other and must psychologically seperate. this means an understanding more than a separation. the thinking brain overrides the emotional responce of grief over their lost romance. men and women become more tolerant of each others differences. ultimately men realise that women are right: a relationship is most likely doomed if there isn't enough togetherness. and women realise that men are right: the relationship is doomed if there is not enough independence.

Stage 5: Long-term marriage
the balance between the prototypical male and female is a state of love called "intimate seperateness". couples love and are loved because they have learned to be happily different.

now, how in the hell do we get to marital bliss?

to foster intimacy:

• develop bonding rituals like date nights, talking on the phone etc.
• practice politeness and kindness with each other
• resolve aruguments rather than letting them fester.

to protect seperateness:

• appreciate each other's eccentricities and differences, especially as a man and a woman.
• develop different sets of friends. generally female for her and male for him.
• allow each other different domains.

"there's a tremendous value in knowing that your feelings towards each other
are likely to change over time and that change is normal. your brain chemistry
plays a role and there's no point in fighting it. instead, let biology guide you
towards understanding and natural long-term love. after all, human beings are
creatures of nature, and nature is very wise indeed."

the crossroads in life

while hanging out with the boys last night, i read this quote yesterday from a Lonely Planet coffee table book.

"Oftentimes, the regrets we have are not the things we've done but the
things we did not do."

True true. I've been quite the good girl and always taken calculated risks. i've never been one for careless abandon although i'd like to try it someday.

conversation with my bestfriend while shopping for a valentine present for her boyfriend:
me: (just finished telling her a weed related story that happened to me last sunday, which i will p.s.f.y.i)
maya: really? you know, i've always been tempted to try it. i mean, what possible evil could come from a plant?
me: i'm still undecided whether i will try other things.
maya: me too.

haha. sounds like we're in highschool. anyway, here's my p.s.f.y.i.

stanleys friends picked us up for drinks at shangri-la last sunday. on the way there, they decided to smoke up in the car and hotbox it. stanley doesn't smoke and neither do i but do the math... three potheads, no fresh air for 30 minutes. we were pretty hit and i didn't even know it till stanley refused to bring me home early because i had that "slow mo" look on my face. total food trip. hamburgers. fries. TWO virgin marys, sisig, grilled squid, garlic rice, ice cream. holy fuck. don't try it if you don't plan to gain 30 pounds overnight. not to mention cotton-mouth and your brain slowing down to a step away from being brain dead.

i get home.
hannah fixing herself a midnight snack: (gasp!!!) is it just me, or are you stoned?
me: it wasn't my fault!

disparity

sometimes i wonder if i've bitten off more than i can chew. on the outside i'm a tough cookie. nothing fazes me and i'm invincible. i can walk away anytime i want to. but on the inside i'm a lost little girl who's wandered outside her comfort zone lost in the jungle of giorgio armanis and bmws.

i've never belonged to this crowd and sometimes i wonder if i've wandered a little too far from home.

... then the phone rings and wakes me up from my thoughts. it's him. he calls to say goodnight. like he does everynight. relief drains the insecurities that build. maybe this could work after all...

dinner for two

is it just me or does the weather turn bad when you're sad? well anyway, it's heavily overcast... no hint of a sunny day suddenly peeping through the gray clouds that threaten to leak raindrops. heartache weather, i call it.

dinner with my mother last night. just the two us. something's always up when that happens.

her: your dad is almost moving out. we're just finalizing the arrangements.
me: tummy in knots. says nothing. what the hell do you say to that anyway??

she told me that it's come to a point where she couldn't get anything out of my dad except friendship and that she could not imagine living with a man who after 24 years of marriage just wants to be friends.

those words cut like a hot knife through butter.

that was my worst fear sitting infront of me. i cried in sympathy for her and in part because fear of suffering the same fate started to trickle in.

she asked me how i felt about it and whether i harbour resentment towards her for kicking him out. honestly, no. i told her that i will respect her decisions in her marriage because when i get married i want her to respect the decisions i make in my own marriage. i told her that it wasn't up to me and my sisters to decide what should be done but rather it was our responsibility to stand by both of them even if they're at opposite ends.

someone told me that people get married because apart from a select few who get famous, a large part of humanity lives in anonymity. marriage is then some way to have someone become a witness to your life.

so why pollute our mind with ideas like soulmates and forever? why fantasize about walks on the beach and magical sunsets? why romantisize the simplest things like flowers and chocolate? why fall in love?

because it feels damn good.

life happens when you're making plans

due to a quarterlife crisis i had a few weeks ago, i am currently unemployed. and the problem with being between jobs is having ALOT of freetime on your hands. on some days this could work, but on others i'm just climbing walls and willing time to move faster to when everyone gets off from work or school.

today was one of those days... time taking its sweet time. in the endeavor to preoccupy myself as not to start ringing up stanley every 20 minutes because i'm bored, i decided to put my desk in order. doing so, i found a piece of paper i scribbled on that started the chain of events that lead to my current bumness.

on it says: CHEZKA'S TIMELINE started JANUARY 8 2005

• currently working in Rustans. forsees no future in the retail business. despises working on Sundays. health in jeopardy
• JAN 16: will resign from Rustans even at the cost of getting free makeup to search for her future.
• JAN 16 onwards: will fish out more career options, obtains an uberbabe body in time for summer
• MARCH: will have obtained some sort of employment of at the very least have one in the works, hopes to have found contentment and meaning in life as well as a larger bank account
• JULY 2005: will have been dating stanley for a year now. the question now stands: is he the ONE?

if yes...

• currently waiting for a marriage proposal
• DEC 2005: anytime now...
• DEADLINE to be married: 25 years old
• JULY 2006: hypothetically speaking.. FINALLY ENGAGED
• FEB 2007: married
• 2009: pregnant
• later that year: gives birth to a beautiful baby girl names Amelie Skye, nickname Lily. quits job to be full time mother until offspring is about 7.
• now has Lily, the new love of her life. might have more kids if the first one doesn't prove to be too much trouble.

if no...

• will continue dating him until someone "better" comes along or until he turns into as asshole she can no longer tolerate... or until her heart is irreparably broken
• JULY 2006: contemplates leaving the country for that "experience" everyone keeps talking about.
• life could be anything by now!

Back to real time... a month and two days from that piece of paper:

no employment to speak of except being stanleys professional girlfriend. helping him with his new Apple store and redecorating his office. has decided to be a preschool teacher. will work partime as a newscaster for a local radio station while waiting for the new schoolyear to begin. will go back to school this june to get an education degree.

... sounds good.

la nueva vida

i read somewhere that the best writing either comes from the most bitter of experiences, or the most ingenious of writers. (thank you anonymous) as of the moment, i have neither claim to boast of, only that my inspiration comes from the lofty experience of being blissfully happy with my head screwed on the right way and my heart soaring through the skies on the wings of a new found love.

as inspiration would have it, here i am again chronicling my existence as a celebration (as of the moment) of this new and exciting rainbow colored everyday filled with fluttering butterflies and heart shaped doodles... and the narcissistic fear of living life in total anonymity.

although not intended but quite appropriately it's chinese happy new year. let's wait and see what the new year brings.


sour note of the day: "did you cut that yourself?" -my dad commenting on my new bangs.