anyhow, reading through tons and tons of articles and magazines i came upon one of great interest to many who may be suffering the what-went-wrong lull in the once blissful we're-so-perfect beginning of a relationship."The Science of a Happy Marriage." apparently, any relationship on earth goes through these 4 stages just because men are men and women are women.
Stage 1: Romance
blame it on oxcytoxin to make him that storybook-mr.-perfect. otherwise known as a "bonding hormone", high levels of it make us hide irritating behaviours from each other. during this stage, our pheromones are so high the seperate male and female minds become like one. but like all good things, lovers' bliss ultimately ends and then begins another stage of the relationship.
Stage 2: Disillusionment
off come those rose colored glasses and our cerebral cortex begins to notice that our partner is "flawed". this usually happens after a few months or even a year of being together. our brain chemistry and our hormones begin to change and sometimes we may even start to feel irritation or anger towards our once pedestaled deities. the brain chemicals that took over during the early part of the relationship have dissipated, as if the rug was pulled out from under love. although alarming, this chemical letdown of both their brains is a normal stage, and necessary or helping two very different brain systems come together for life.
Stage 3: Power Struggle
those who have landed back to reality will normally try to change the person to who they were when they met. men and women who are going through this will have the added difficulty of being "neurally different" for the male and female brains think, act, behave and even love quite uniquely. generally a painful (gasp.) time, most couples don't realize that this could actually be the key to a long-term marriage. as the romance ebbs, men might want to be more independent and women might want to have more contact with her friends. picking at each other mercilessly often happens at this stage because of our differing attitudes towards independence. this is about 7-8 years into the relationship.
Stage 4: Awakening
finally, the light at the end of the tunnel but this will require one or both to awaken something that has been hiding beneath the surface. what alot of couples don't notice before the drifting apart is that there is another step that goes unnoticed. the couple becomes too close, erasing one another's individuality. a man might see his partners need to communicate, emotionality and desire for sensual romance as a waste of time. she might see her partners habits, hobbies, preoccupation with work and need for independence as dangerous and selfish. when the couple finally awakens, they realize that they've become too close to each other and must psychologically seperate. this means an understanding more than a separation. the thinking brain overrides the emotional responce of grief over their lost romance. men and women become more tolerant of each others differences. ultimately men realise that women are right: a relationship is most likely doomed if there isn't enough togetherness. and women realise that men are right: the relationship is doomed if there is not enough independence.
Stage 5: Long-term marriage
the balance between the prototypical male and female is a state of love called "intimate seperateness". couples love and are loved because they have learned to be happily different.
now, how in the hell do we get to marital bliss?
to foster intimacy:
- develop bonding rituals like date nights, talking on the phone etc.
- practice politeness and kindness with each other
- resolve aruguments rather than letting them fester.
to protect seperateness:
- appreciate each other's eccentricities and differences, especially as a man and a woman.
- develop different sets of friends. generally female for her and male for him.
- allow each other different domains.
"there's a tremendous value in knowing that your feelings towards each other
are likely to change over time and that change is normal. your brain chemistry
plays a role and there's no point in fighting it. instead, let biology guide you
towards understanding and natural long-term love. after all, human beings are
creatures of nature, and nature is very wise indeed."
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