pms

i had merienda with maya yesterday and we were both PMSing. we ended up ordering squid balls with spicy sauce, bibinka with tsokolate and kiwi lemonade at Kenya Cafe. the food was pretty good and the place was nicely decorated. over our neurotic merienda, we discussed substantial things like making worthwhile investments and somehow attaining financial stability. we're both nearing our 30s. she's unattached and i can't get my boyfriend to commit so we vowed to start taking care of ourselves and each other. we both resolved to make it a point to keep track of our financial progress (may, i think we should really support each other on this. i saw a show on oprah and how a group of girl friends were able to save a lot of money by following up on each other and setting goals).

i guess we never really thought up to this point in our lives that the possibility of not having someone to take care of us might actually BE a possibility. well, for me anyway... i think it'll be good to have a backup plan in case the picture perfect life i dreamed up might not come true. in the end, there's really no one else you can count on but yourself. i think i should stop pinning my dreams and my security on someone else like a husband. you just never know...

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. " - the wizard of oz

a brace blog

maya once suggested for me to make an i've-got-braces blog to document the progress and problems of being an adult with braces. do you really want to hear about the things that go on my my mouth? hehe. well, needless to say, i'll have loads to write about. i never realized how exciting someone's mouth can be!

my latest issue: a huge canker sore that just won't go away plus i woke this morning and totally flipped out over the sensation that my teeth were getting loose. i think it's back to my soft food diet since i'm terrified of biting into something and seeing a tooth fall out. is this normal or should i make another trip to my dentist?

my after thoughts

okay. now that i've sorted things out in my head and my boyfriend actually came around to opening up to me, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem between us. since i'm not really at liberty to divulge his side of the story, let's just say that he has issues in his life that need immediate attention so i have to wait at the bottom of the pile until he sorts them out. maybe this is a test in patience and understanding for me. i know he needs me to be understanding and not to contribute to the stress in his life which is quite difficult since by nature, women like to made the center of their significant other's universe.

quite frankly my patience is wearing thin and everything in me right now screams to be attended to and made a priority. i've sat the back seat of his life all these years and with engagements popping up like mushrooms it just adds to the itching to get one from him too. but realistically speaking, i think i've come to the conclusion that if i want to fight for this relationship to have a real chance to make it, i need to hold it together and be strong for him right now. this is not by any means easy on my part but i'll give it everything i have and over again.

right now, he needs a friend and not a whiny girlfriend demanding things from him. so please Lord God, let him one day realize the lengths and heights i will go to make this work. he's the one i want. he's the one who sparks my passions, makes me want to be a better person and just makes me happy.

i know this isn't the wisest of all decisions and by now people have actually suggested me leaving him. i'm just not about that. no matter what, i cannot deny my tendency to spoil the ones i love. so i've decided to just be myself and see it through. no games. no manipulations. no expectations. no strategies. love with no regrets. what you see is what you get. and if i end up with a broken heart, then that's just life telling me to close this chapter and move on. (i'm pep-talking myself if you haven't noticed)

i've often wondered why God allowed us to be put together. we're so different on many levels. but i think we each have what the other doesn't. he has discipline, direction and drive. i, on the other hand, have the ability to be content playing the supportive role. he's been through a lot and although he's moved on and managed to push through all the emotional baggage, he never ever forgets. i have an unusually forgetful memory and an abnormally soft heart. he can be dark and quiet. i like to talk and smile. he seems strong and impervious but underneath it all i know he easily gets hurt and affected. i seem onion skinned and emotional but more and more i discover a strength in me that can withstand more than what people expect me to.

maybe this is practice for sticking with each other in good time and in bad. even though i know i've given a lot, that doesn't mean i should stop. maybe this is the true test of commitment, when i can put away what i expect from him and be there for him.

anyway, on a lighter note, boracay was awesome. we got lucky with a sunny saturday and everything just fell into place. we saw three rainbows that day which i took as a good omen. we had a pretty relaxing day at the beach and i think we just needed that break to be away from our laptops and just be together without any distractions.

and on an even lighter note: congratulations to ren and judd!!! i can't believe my favorite couple actually made it!!! ren, even if i feel a slight twinge of jealousy (hehe), i am so truly truly happy for you. if there's anyone in this world who deserves a fairy tale ending, it's you. i wish you all the best and you can count on me to help you with your wedding plans. let's have coffee soon! love you!!

he's just not into me.

here i am again... talking about the M word.

Stan Yap: you don't have to get married to be truely in love
Stan Yap: as may said.. it's just a piece of paper
Chezka Martinez: well, that's true. that's for some people.. and some people feel it's right to get married
Chezka Martinez: so which one are you? hehe
Chezka Martinez: kung ako lang, i couldn't care less. i'm fine living with you and having kids even if you're not the marrying type. but i guess i don't want to disrespect my parents or your parents sad.
Chezka Martinez: i just know lang it'll break my parent's heart if i do that
Chezka Martinez: and some part of me still believes in marriage even if it didn't really work out for my parents.
Chezka Martinez: are you still breathing? or have you fainted na? hahaha
Chezka Martinez: so i guess for now.. you can just decide how much you love me and how long you want me around and we'll take it from there
Chezka Martinez: love?
Stan Yap: on the phone
Chezka Martinez: okay.. not the reply i was hoping for
Chezka Martinez: you there?
Stan Yap: i'm in a meeting

there.

i think i unofficially got my answer to the 2 year question that's been nagging me. marriage is just a piece of paper, according to my boyfriend. and almost by sheer serendipity i was having a simultaneous chat conversation with kaka and this book she bought called He's Just Not Into You. here are some of the excerpts she was quoting to me.

"if you're afraid to even broach the topic of marriage for fear that he's going to break up with you, then this dude not only has all the money, but all the power as well..."

"please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you're dating, write down how long it took you to know for surelook and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too."

"if you have different views about marriage, what else are you not on the same page about? time to take inventory"

*bells ringing in my head.

all i have to say is i did not deserve to get ditched like that when i was clearly wearing my heart on my sleeve. is this really how it is? when you profess your undying love to someone, they tell you they're on the phone and can't talk and shelve you like yesterdays newspaper?

why does it seem like he has all the time to listen to everyone else's whining about their problems but can't give the time of day to a girlfriend who has been patiently waiting by his side through all the poker games, temper tantrums and whatever else he makes me wait for? i move mountains to make him happy but he can't lift a finger to type out the words "i love you too but i'm busy. can we talk about this another time?"

and i'm sorry... marriage is just NOT just a piece of paper. even with the odds stacked against me (statistics say that kids who have divorced parents will most likely have marital problems as well), i still believe in the time old institution of marriage. it's the most beautiful thing a man and a woman can do together. to get in front of friends and family and make a promise to God to forever be faithful in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer is truly a miracle in itself. to promise to love someone no matter what and to stick with him in the good times and bad makes life worth living.

i've never wanted grand things in life. i've never wanted to be on top of the corporate ladder or to be wildly famous. all i want is someone to come home to me every day and children to love and take care of. i believe i'm worth that. and in this relationship, i think i've given it my all and more. i've given everything with no reserve for what i have left for myself. i drive to his house everyday in sickness and in health just to spend a few hours with him as he types away at his computer. i cannot remember the last time he said he loved me without me having to say it first.

and yet, here i am... waiting for the dawn to bring in a new day because i'll see him again.

inspiration

Battle-Scene

From the Comic Operatic Fantasy The Seafarer

It beguiles--
This little Odyssey
In pink and lavender
Over a surface of gently-
Graded turquoise tiles
That represent a sea
With chequered waves and gaily
Bear up the seafarer,
Gaily, gaily,
In his pink plume and armor.

A lantern-frail
Gondola of paper
Ferries the fishpond Sindbad
Who poises his pastel spear
Toward three pinky-purple
Monsters which uprear
Off the ocean-floor
With fanged and dreadful head.
Beware, beware
The whale, the shark, the squid.

But fins and scales
Of each scrolled sea-beast
Troll no slime, no weed.
They are polished for the joust,
They gleam like easter eggshells,
Rose and amethyst.
Ahab, fulfill your boast:
Bring home each storied head.
One thrust, one thrust,
One thrust: and they are sped.

So fables go.
And so all children sing
Their bathtub battles deep,
Hazardous and long,
But oh, sage grownups know
Sea-dragon for sofa, fang
For pasteboard, and siren-song
For fever in a sleep.
Laughing, laughing
Of graybeards wakes us up.

(1958)

... i found this while browsing the net for inspiration. the painting is by Paul Klee but it's only now that i found out that there's a poem that goes with it.

the truth behind my braces

at 25 years old, i got braces. it started out as a routine checkup at the dentist which led to me complaining about how my teeth seem a little more crooked than usual to the actual getting of braces to fix my teeth. a lot of people have been asking me why i got them. my teeth never seemed crooked to most people and it's not like i had a hideous smile. to tell you the truth, i saw one picture of me with my mouth closed and i saw how one side protruded more than the other. it looked like i was smirking! and it doesn't help that my boyfriend has this odd fixation with girls with perfect teeth. plus, lately i've been having weird insecurities about my looks. i've been standing in the mirror more than usual and ogling at every pore, dimple and wrinkle (gasp! i've found a few!!!) wondering how far my looks will go. i think i'm well prepared for the onset of aging by investing in lots of skin care and giving up my favorite pastime of sun bathing. i've noticed that my already slow metabolism has lagged even more so no matter how little i eat, i still gain weight and i'm becoming rounder and softer practically everywhere. i just couldn't bear the thought of waking up at 45 years old, looking like nanny mcphee, all round and wrinkly with crooked teeth to boot when i could have done something about it.

mix in the pressure of why my boyfriend has not proposed to me and prospective in-laws asking for grandchildren and there you have it... chezka's all original solution to uncomplicate her life. get effin' braces. i'll have a year to blame my braces for him not wanting to marry me.

so i guess if stan eventually dumps me, at least i'll still look good enough to attract someone else with my perfect pearly whites and hopefully i'll have lost some of the weight by then with my forced controlled eating.

there you have it. my twisted logic come to life.

and if you're wondering... yes. it's possible to make out with braces on. quite honestly, i wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't want to anymore. even i wouldn't want to kiss myself! i guess i'm elated that he still wanted to even with the threat of cutting his lips up.

i've finally done it!

i've finally learned how to knit. my students were having knitting class and i gamely joined them with sheer determination to succeed. if you don't already know, i can't do crap with a needle and thread so this was quite a challenge. anyway, after undoing and redoing my "knitting" about 4 times i've managed to knit a couple of rows. it's quite addicting and therapeutic. i now know why (though i don't think i'd go that far) meredith grey substituted knitting for sex. hahaha.

the M word

stans parents take turns talking to me about the M word. it vacillates between friendly conversation and deadly confrontation depending on who talks to me and the level of their frustration. today was one of them. stans mom and i were alone in the house and she came into his room to make me promise her to find time to talk to stan about the M word. it was quite heart wrenching to hear it all over again and to add icing to the cake, she started tearing up and hugged me.

what's a girl to do?

OPTION 1
i do what they say and do the dirty work. it is quite tempting. i'll get to the end of the story quicker. scheming and planning will be involved and maybe i'll get what i want and maybe in a year we'll get married but will i ever know if this is what he wanted? maybe i'll be elated being engaged for a while but sooner or later reality will set in and maybe i'll have nagging doubts about whether he was just being a decent guy and rolling over to what i wanted because i wanted it badly enough to ask.

OPTION 2
tough it out and wait. maybe this will take forever and i know i will have to undergo more torturous talks. even worse, i might find out the long and arduous way that i've waited for nothing. the talks were cute and flattering at first but 3 years down the road, it really makes you think about why he hasn't yet and the longer it takes, the more doubts start to form and the bleaker the future looks.

so what now... looks like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

on closing cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a
standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

on a cloudy monday morning

stans birthday weekend was almost perfect except for the fact that i'm writing this blog instead of being on a plane to boracay. i actually got him up early and we headed for the airport as scheduled. the take off was perfect and the weather was starting to clear up and then we started circling the runway and the pilot decided to go back since there was a rattling sound that was coming from the plane.

oh well... i guess i'll have to save that day trip for another time. needless to say i was really disappointed and on the verge of tears but stan put on a smile and said it was okay. we'll have lots of other weekends to go and better safe than sorry.

anyway. in reference to maya's blog. i guess it's quite alright to go down the path of least resistance for the time being. maybe you just need some sort of catalyst to launch you into making a decision to either fight for it or to put a stop to it. i've always believed in all or nothing when it comes to love, but that's just me. whichever you chose, you have to be committed to it 100%. there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and there's certainly nothing wrong in telling him how you really feel about it. there's no loss of dignity when you tell someone that you still love them even if it ends in rejection. at least at that moment, if things go awry then you'll be prepared as opposed to being hit over the head and left in the dust when you least expect it. but i guess that's if you feel really strongly about it. but if the daily conversations have no effect on you whatsoever then maybe it's quite alright to just leave it as it is until it dies a natural death or develops into a totally platonic relationship. case and point.. stan and candy are exes but they don't talk 3 hours a day or i would have left him a long time ago. they talk once in a while and usually about computer problems and perhaps personal problems. and he never uses the term "we" with her or makes "tying plans" like putting up a business or whatever. plus she does all the calling. he's much too busy to be concerned with the life plans of his ex so i kinda have my doubts if that's all he wants from you. i mean... i'm your bestfriend and i don't think we've ever talked every day on the phone since we've graduated from highschool! and guys aren't built for long platonic phone calls unless they have some vested interest. contrary to what we believed when we were 16, there are assholes out there and i suppose you should at least try to unearth whatever motives he has. and besides, the fact that he says "if it bothers you, i'll stop calling." already suggests that he knows full well that it isn't A-OK but still persists.

i think as grown women, we should learn to realize when we're beating a dead horse and as quickly and painlessly as we can, move on. we don't have the time or the shelf life to be jerked around. if we can help it, we should avoid the undesirable as not to grow into a bitter-man-loathing old maid but look back on love experiences as lessons and not regrets.

birthday countdown

i'm on official boyfriend birthday countdown. i've always loved birthdays and i think i'm more excited for them than the celebrants themselves. hehe. anyway, stan will be turning 36 (yes THIRTY SIX) in about 48 hours. i've planned a little birthday getaway for us as his birthday gift and i'm praying the weather cooperates. please please please Lord God, don't let it rain.

i still want to get him something though so he'll have something to open from me. i have one day to figure out what that's going to be. help help help!