he's just not into me.

here i am again... talking about the M word.

Stan Yap: you don't have to get married to be truely in love
Stan Yap: as may said.. it's just a piece of paper
Chezka Martinez: well, that's true. that's for some people.. and some people feel it's right to get married
Chezka Martinez: so which one are you? hehe
Chezka Martinez: kung ako lang, i couldn't care less. i'm fine living with you and having kids even if you're not the marrying type. but i guess i don't want to disrespect my parents or your parents sad.
Chezka Martinez: i just know lang it'll break my parent's heart if i do that
Chezka Martinez: and some part of me still believes in marriage even if it didn't really work out for my parents.
Chezka Martinez: are you still breathing? or have you fainted na? hahaha
Chezka Martinez: so i guess for now.. you can just decide how much you love me and how long you want me around and we'll take it from there
Chezka Martinez: love?
Stan Yap: on the phone
Chezka Martinez: okay.. not the reply i was hoping for
Chezka Martinez: you there?
Stan Yap: i'm in a meeting

there.

i think i unofficially got my answer to the 2 year question that's been nagging me. marriage is just a piece of paper, according to my boyfriend. and almost by sheer serendipity i was having a simultaneous chat conversation with kaka and this book she bought called He's Just Not Into You. here are some of the excerpts she was quoting to me.

"if you're afraid to even broach the topic of marriage for fear that he's going to break up with you, then this dude not only has all the money, but all the power as well..."

"please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you're dating, write down how long it took you to know for surelook and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too."

"if you have different views about marriage, what else are you not on the same page about? time to take inventory"

*bells ringing in my head.

all i have to say is i did not deserve to get ditched like that when i was clearly wearing my heart on my sleeve. is this really how it is? when you profess your undying love to someone, they tell you they're on the phone and can't talk and shelve you like yesterdays newspaper?

why does it seem like he has all the time to listen to everyone else's whining about their problems but can't give the time of day to a girlfriend who has been patiently waiting by his side through all the poker games, temper tantrums and whatever else he makes me wait for? i move mountains to make him happy but he can't lift a finger to type out the words "i love you too but i'm busy. can we talk about this another time?"

and i'm sorry... marriage is just NOT just a piece of paper. even with the odds stacked against me (statistics say that kids who have divorced parents will most likely have marital problems as well), i still believe in the time old institution of marriage. it's the most beautiful thing a man and a woman can do together. to get in front of friends and family and make a promise to God to forever be faithful in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer is truly a miracle in itself. to promise to love someone no matter what and to stick with him in the good times and bad makes life worth living.

i've never wanted grand things in life. i've never wanted to be on top of the corporate ladder or to be wildly famous. all i want is someone to come home to me every day and children to love and take care of. i believe i'm worth that. and in this relationship, i think i've given it my all and more. i've given everything with no reserve for what i have left for myself. i drive to his house everyday in sickness and in health just to spend a few hours with him as he types away at his computer. i cannot remember the last time he said he loved me without me having to say it first.

and yet, here i am... waiting for the dawn to bring in a new day because i'll see him again.