my after thoughts

okay. now that i've sorted things out in my head and my boyfriend actually came around to opening up to me, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem between us. since i'm not really at liberty to divulge his side of the story, let's just say that he has issues in his life that need immediate attention so i have to wait at the bottom of the pile until he sorts them out. maybe this is a test in patience and understanding for me. i know he needs me to be understanding and not to contribute to the stress in his life which is quite difficult since by nature, women like to made the center of their significant other's universe.

quite frankly my patience is wearing thin and everything in me right now screams to be attended to and made a priority. i've sat the back seat of his life all these years and with engagements popping up like mushrooms it just adds to the itching to get one from him too. but realistically speaking, i think i've come to the conclusion that if i want to fight for this relationship to have a real chance to make it, i need to hold it together and be strong for him right now. this is not by any means easy on my part but i'll give it everything i have and over again.

right now, he needs a friend and not a whiny girlfriend demanding things from him. so please Lord God, let him one day realize the lengths and heights i will go to make this work. he's the one i want. he's the one who sparks my passions, makes me want to be a better person and just makes me happy.

i know this isn't the wisest of all decisions and by now people have actually suggested me leaving him. i'm just not about that. no matter what, i cannot deny my tendency to spoil the ones i love. so i've decided to just be myself and see it through. no games. no manipulations. no expectations. no strategies. love with no regrets. what you see is what you get. and if i end up with a broken heart, then that's just life telling me to close this chapter and move on. (i'm pep-talking myself if you haven't noticed)

i've often wondered why God allowed us to be put together. we're so different on many levels. but i think we each have what the other doesn't. he has discipline, direction and drive. i, on the other hand, have the ability to be content playing the supportive role. he's been through a lot and although he's moved on and managed to push through all the emotional baggage, he never ever forgets. i have an unusually forgetful memory and an abnormally soft heart. he can be dark and quiet. i like to talk and smile. he seems strong and impervious but underneath it all i know he easily gets hurt and affected. i seem onion skinned and emotional but more and more i discover a strength in me that can withstand more than what people expect me to.

maybe this is practice for sticking with each other in good time and in bad. even though i know i've given a lot, that doesn't mean i should stop. maybe this is the true test of commitment, when i can put away what i expect from him and be there for him.

anyway, on a lighter note, boracay was awesome. we got lucky with a sunny saturday and everything just fell into place. we saw three rainbows that day which i took as a good omen. we had a pretty relaxing day at the beach and i think we just needed that break to be away from our laptops and just be together without any distractions.

and on an even lighter note: congratulations to ren and judd!!! i can't believe my favorite couple actually made it!!! ren, even if i feel a slight twinge of jealousy (hehe), i am so truly truly happy for you. if there's anyone in this world who deserves a fairy tale ending, it's you. i wish you all the best and you can count on me to help you with your wedding plans. let's have coffee soon! love you!!