blast from the past

you know how you have those really weird classmates back in highschool? the ones who never fit in and are incessantly teased because of their hair or the way they smell? i had one. her name was jocelyn. jocelyn limchao. chao-chao for short. queer girl. she was a 7 year old trapped in a woman's body. she hung out with 4th graders when we were seniors. she never combed her hair right and any attempt to put on makeup ended in some picasso painting on her face. she even had those dorky thick glasses to boot. some girls made going to school hell for her. i was sort of neutral. i didn't exaclty like being assigned to sit next to her when we were arranged alphabetically. but she didn't give me any trouble and neither did i give her any. we'd talk sometimes. usually just about what page the teacher was assigning us to read. if i rememberr correctly, it took her 6 or 7 years to finish highschool. sometimes, when me and my highschool friends would talk, she'd sort of come up and we'd wonder how in the world someone like her would fair in that harsh world out there.

today i got to find out first hand.

since it was a holiday and i had nothing to do, i decided to go with stan to his office. guess who i bump into on the way in! chao chao. apparenty stan hired her as a programmer. shock was an understatement. he said she bested all the interviews for that position. but he agreed she was kinda weird. "well, programmers don't really have alot of contact with other people. she should do just fine.", he says. i marvel at his ability to see beyond what i couldn't. i seriously doubted that she would survive college, much less land a pretty good job. i thank all my lucky stars i wasn't horrid to her in highschool. that would have been awkward to say the least.

the monsters under my bed

over lunch the other day:

my mom: aren't you thinking of getting married yet??
me: ???!!!
my mom: you're turning 24 this november. you're not getting any younger.
me: stan's the one getting old. not me.
my mom: that's what i meant.
me: ???

then she went on to lecture my about "shelf life". sad, but true. women depreciate with age but men just get better. so, what's going to happen to me if i don't get hitched by my "expiration date"? and what is it with getting married before 30 anyway? aside from the childbearing factor, so fucking what? i'll still be the same person. maybe a few pounds heavier and a few more wrinkles here and there but i think i'll still be the same.

what's my point?

i think i see marraige differently since i've been a first hand witness of a blossoming marriage turn sour and crumble into nothingness. they were once in love. inseparable. he needed her and she adored him. words of endearment littered the air around them. hugs, kisses. picking him up from after work, the occasional "no reason" present. well, that's how i remember it as a kid. now, she sits alone on the weekends. he lives somewhere else. alimony. lawyers. being civil. growing old alone. three kids who have to split seven days between them. " i don't love you anymore but can we be friends." another woman. she's angry. he's angry.

can anyone tell me why i'd want to rush into that?

they all tell me not to be jaded. maybe i won't suffer the same fate. it's a 50/50 chance. i know my anxieties are apart from what stan and i have. he's wonderful.but they're there. they come out every once in a while.

i guess i'll just have to give myself time. i suppose i'll get used to the idea of this whole mess.

why does it always rain on me?

aiyahh!! of all the weeks in the entire year to have my car sent to the shop, i just had to pick the one when it rains and rains and rains. the boyfriend isn't of much help since he's too busy and too far away to drive me around and stuff so i've had to fend for myself. i think if i were my former self, i would have gone into fits and tantrums over the "neglect". but i guess i've kinda taken pride in being able to take care of myself. also, he's going to Paris sometime September just to use up his airline miles. hmph! Paris would have been wonderful except i have my obligation to my little students and in no way can i afford the trip. i guess i'll just have to contend with pictures and pasalubong when he gets back.

we've been pretty okay though. except we don't really text or talk as much during the daytime. ESPECIALLY when he travels. i almost never hear from him until he gets back. he's usually on business trips and those trips are filled to the brim with money making venture meetings. and just a year ago, my cellphone would be ringing incessantly when he'd be away for more than a day. i guess that's just the way it is. if i were my former self, i'd probably be "resucitating" our romance to death.

i don't know, i just feel it's important to document these "milestone" changes. and i think what they say is true about how love is sweeter the second time around. it doesn't have to be with the same person.

i'm alive!

***

interesting chat i had with a friend a while ago.

me: so, how've you been?
him: okay. jen and i. (yes, we're still kinda sorta together)
me: that's great. but what happened to your ultimatum plan?
him: i have a new outlook in life. care less, play more. (wink wink)i know you know what i mean.
me: hahahaha. wonderful.

for some reason, i've always had a soft spot for him. my bestfriend once told me that if he didn't live so far away, she could see us happily together. i think there's always been some unspoken attraction between us. we did go on a date once a long long long time ago but life was too complicated then for both of us so we left it at that. we never quite picked up where we left off and sometimes i just wonder...

***

stan's birthday was last wednesday. buying him presents is one of the hardest things to do. i ended up buying him a bottle of DKNY perfume that i fell in love with and slaving away for a week hand-painting a story book for him. i think he liked them. he's not really the giddy type. well, he's 34 now. i wonder what i'd be like at 34...

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Playful Kisser

Kissing is a huge game for you, a way to flirt and play You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party Or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right!

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

----> and this is what i've managed to accomplish all day. hurray for playing hooky!