the monsters under my bed

over lunch the other day:

my mom: aren't you thinking of getting married yet??
me: ???!!!
my mom: you're turning 24 this november. you're not getting any younger.
me: stan's the one getting old. not me.
my mom: that's what i meant.
me: ???

then she went on to lecture my about "shelf life". sad, but true. women depreciate with age but men just get better. so, what's going to happen to me if i don't get hitched by my "expiration date"? and what is it with getting married before 30 anyway? aside from the childbearing factor, so fucking what? i'll still be the same person. maybe a few pounds heavier and a few more wrinkles here and there but i think i'll still be the same.

what's my point?

i think i see marraige differently since i've been a first hand witness of a blossoming marriage turn sour and crumble into nothingness. they were once in love. inseparable. he needed her and she adored him. words of endearment littered the air around them. hugs, kisses. picking him up from after work, the occasional "no reason" present. well, that's how i remember it as a kid. now, she sits alone on the weekends. he lives somewhere else. alimony. lawyers. being civil. growing old alone. three kids who have to split seven days between them. " i don't love you anymore but can we be friends." another woman. she's angry. he's angry.

can anyone tell me why i'd want to rush into that?

they all tell me not to be jaded. maybe i won't suffer the same fate. it's a 50/50 chance. i know my anxieties are apart from what stan and i have. he's wonderful.but they're there. they come out every once in a while.

i guess i'll just have to give myself time. i suppose i'll get used to the idea of this whole mess.