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the holidays are rollin' in

it's christmas season and yep.. i'm totally feeling it. a lot of people complain that it doesn't feel like christmas anymore but since i work with kids... it's been christmas everyday for almost 2 weeks now. hehe. they love singing christmas carols while in class and every once in a while, i get a little surprise christmas card or present sitting on my desk.

and the best part is, i get to be on vacation for three weeks!

how have i decided to spend my vacation. intermittently partying, baking and cooking. how are your holidays coming along?

i am andy warhol

Which Famous Artist Are You?
	You are Andy Warhol. Your artistic talent became clear at an early age. As a result, you are still developing your talent now, chasing the dream. A big fan of commercial art, you see greatness in the ordinary.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

where am i going?

who knows...

but i can tell you where i've been. survived a rigorous all girls highschool. met the best people i've ever known there. got away with not going to class in college and still making it to the deans list. learned to speak semi-fluent bisaya in an ad agency. recovered from clinical depression. went on a life changing trip with my bestfriend and sister. learned the ins and outs of making a music video. horded my dream makeup kit. found my liquor limit. discovered the thrills of being with kids and the rewards of teaching. met the love of my life.

my new dog maple

ive been absent from the blogging world due to a new addition to our home. a 6 month old chocolate labrador, i've decided to name Maple. she's a bundle of energy that can knock over lampshades and make holes in your favorite pair of havaianas. she has that perpetual wet dog smell because she loves splashing around in puddles and there are a lot of them these days. she's a tall order to potty train because she's not easy to throw outside of the house when she starts to pee. she nips at me when she gets excited and loves jumping up at me when i've just showered and put on a new pair of jeans.

but then again, she's such a happy dog with smiling eyes and finds any excuse to cuddle. she's perfectly content to lay at my feet after dinner and keep me company till i'm sleepy. she'll do anything for a hug. she's even learned "down" without treats.. just hugs. she knows how to play fetch. she tries hard to make friends with my grumpy older dogs. she doesn't ever touch the hamster cage. she doesn't bark at night. she doesn't growl. she doesn't hold grudges. she doesn't beg at the table or grabs food. she loves me and i love her.

Hold Fast To Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow

...Langston Hughs

happy birthday to me

i think this had to be be one of the best birthdays ever. well, i did miss 2 very important people in my life but they swore to make it up to me somehow (ahem ahem). i'm tired to the bone from all the festivities so this blog is right off the top of my head. i just had to have a blog with a datestamp of 11.11. pictures and stories to follow. happy birthday to me!

early birthday gifts

i woke up today and it was raining really hard. the kind of rain that makes you want to snuggle in bed instead of getting up. i did a mental inventory of the classes i had to do and realized that i didn't have anything to do for my kids today because i finished all my lessons early. it was too good a day to waste at work so i called in sick.

plus. i have OS Leopard to tinker around with all day while i laze around the house.

countdown to 26

okay. now that the dust has settled and i've been able to put my thoughts in order, i've come up with another list of resolutions or things to do to improve my life. i'm getting excited about my birthday, nevermind the fact that i'm turning 26 and entering my LATE twenties. i'm feeling the pressure to make something of myself before 30. hopefully i'll be married with kids by then but that might take a while seeing how things are going so i might as well snap out of moping around and get excited about the other things i can do with the rest of my 20s.

#1 get a makeover. i think i've let my dressing style slip down a couple of notches over the years and it's easy to fall into complacency when you're busy and in some sort of a secure relationship. i'm not going to aim to be a size 2 or anything like that because i know it's never going to happen, but at least i should be healthy weight and dress well even if it means waking up 15 minutes earlier than i normally do. i'm also half contemplating cutting my hair short. what do you think?

#2 sleep more. i'm guilty of pushing the limit quite often and i really should get more sleep. besides, sleeping well at night gives your body time to regenerate hence less wrinkles and you eat less during the day because your body doesn't feel the need to compensate with food and thus accomplishing resolution #1.

#3 meditate. no matter how busy i am, i should be able to set some time for myself and center, perhaps even pray.

#4 be less clingy. yes. my perpetual goal but i'll still keep it as a goal until i'm finally rid of the need to totter after you-know-who and build my life around him. i'm doing everything in my power to make this relationship work and if he doesn't see the value in it and decide to make a commitment then maybe i should be strong and smart enough to know when to move on. in the meantime, it's back to painting all thoughts of the M word black to keep from moping around.

#5 spend less and save more. i should streamline my finances and start cutting out unnecessary expenses. my trips to the bank should be to deposit and not to withdraw.

#6 travel. well, i haven't yet figured out how to do this without breaking resolution #5. this might have to be a long term goal but i'll get there.

#7 go green. do my part in saving the planet from destruction. remembering to turn the lights off, recycle, reduce and reuse, get my students involved in some environment thingi project.

#8 finish christmas shopping early. preferably before december. i should start making my list and buying stuff so i have time to really think about it and not give hurried-thoughtless generic presents.

that's it for now. i decided on small and attainable goals as opposed to delusions of grandeur that might end up making me feel even more unaccomplished. in the meantime, i'm excited for our lunch date with maya to catch up on things and plan my birthday party.

just my imagination (running away with me)

sorry ren. couldn't think of a more original title. it just seems like my head is in constant turmoil these days. i'm anxious about anything and everything and i'm analyzing every little thing to death. so much so that i've actually developed some sort of perpetual never ending tummy ache from all the worrying i've been doing. i know i should stop and stick to my resolution to let things go with the flow. but i can't. at least not right now. i'm trapped in some pathological anxiety ridden nightmare.

case and point: stan casually mentioned to me about changing the tiles on his floor to wood laminates. my brain automatically switched to high gear and started analyzing why he was changing the tiles. why would he spend so much on changing the tiles in his room? isn't he planning to move out of his parents house? doesn't he know i'm not going to live there if we tie the knot? does that mean he's not thinking of getting married? why isn't he thinking of getting married? doesn't he realize we've been in a relationship for 3 years? how much longer will i have to wait? or maybe i'm just wasting my time and he's never going to marry me. why not? what's wrong with me?.... so on and so forth.

plus i'm turning 26. i used to be happy whenever my birthday comes around but this year feels a bit different. i can't exactly put my finger on why i feel anxious about my birthday. maybe i just need to get excited about planning it or something or concentrate on turning off my incessant worrying.

3 in 1 blog

okay... this completing my cover art project is harder than i thought. half of the songs in my 8G library have no album information so i have to research on the song to make sure i'm getting the correct album. i've been searching and downloading for days and i'm only about halfway there. so now i'm stuck with a gorgeous coverflow display with holes in it. i just need to muster up the diligence to complete it. well... maybe if i had the reward of getting an iPhone for my birthday, all my troubles might seem worth it. haha. but i've kinda hinted to stan that i don't want an iPhone coz i'm aiming for something nice and shiny that sits well on my ring finger instead. well... doesn't hurt to dream and an iPhone won't be bad either!

on other news, i think i've gotten my karma. there are these 2 girls in my grade 3 art class who just won't stop talking!! aliza and katalin ugarte. they're cousins who happen to be in the same class. no matter what you do, they find a way to "legitimize" their constant chatting and they always come up with bribes, deals and sneaky excuses to sit next to each other in art class. even if i hang those two girls upside down, they'll still be talking to each other. it kinda reminds me of maya and i in highschool.

on the 19th and 20th, stan will be away on his forum retreat. he and his EO buddies will be in plantation bay for a 2 day thing and no girlfriends or wives allowed. there was one forum member though who insisted on bringing his wife. i didn't want to push it and make stan bring me too since the others were quite annoyed that the guy insisted so i thought it best i wait for my invitation. well, it came in the form of babysitting the wife on friday and saturday. i won't stay over at plantation bay and i have to drive back and forth from the city though. i still have to think of activities for us to do on the weekend while the boys have their retreat. help anyone? i was also thinking of playing a little practical joke on them for not allowing wives and girlfriends. when stan and the husband ask me where i'm taking the wife i'll try to say this with the straightest face possible. "oh.. just some shopping and dinner out and i have a friend who's having a wet and wild bachelorette rave party with stripers and guy models. you won't mind if we go right?"

what's been going on in my life lately

story number 1
for extra income, my mom decided to rent out the guesthouse. after months of going through people, she finally found someone she could live with. our family friend's friend's son is moving to cebu from manila and he decided to stay at our place. he and his mom came over the other day to check it out and slowly move into our guesthouse. paolo rivera, my new housemate, is a 28 year old church going fellow who bears an uncanny resemblance to emil will be living in my house for about a year or so. he plays the guitar, doesn't drink or smoke, watches football and is nice to my dogs. we probably won't be bosom buddies but i think we'll get along.

story number 2
my nono's not doing too well. i hope he makes it to my birthday.

story number 3
my dad's mom (my lola) came over to the house to speak to my mom. her opening line was "dai, are you and mariano ever going to get back together?" she made a last ditch effort to convince my mom to take my dad back since she disapproves of what he's been doing. she came to report that my dad has been practically living with his girlfriend and apparently they're trying for a son. they can't get married yet since my parent's marriage hasn't been annulled but it's in the works. i haven't processed it yet and i think i'm still in the middle of wishing that my dad never gets a son. i'm a daddy's girl and i will die before some little bastard son comes and takes my place. i can't bear the thought of him going home to another family and going on vacations with them and other fun stuff. but i also know that i can't piece my family together the way i want it and everyone's entitled to their own happiness. i just have to be grown up about it and swallow the bitter pill life has given me. well, one day at a time.

story number 4
i've been working on completing my album art for days now. my coverflow's starting to look gorgeous.

MEREDITH: [to George] "What are you doing with Olivia? You're letting her think you're emotionally available. You're letting her think she has a chance. And there is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go.” ― The Bridge Across Forever

one for the books

saturday night.

stan and i doubled-dated with nina and ranny at coffee bean and decided to go to vudu for a bit. 2 hours and 3 vodkas later, we're about ready to go back to his place for a little "special alone time." it's 4:30 AM as we creep into his house checking all the nooks and crannies for anybody awake at this ungodly hour. just as we think everyone is asleep, his MOM peeks out of the hallway door that's next to his room and i totally freeze in horror. and for what seems like an eternity, i'm glued to the stairs wishing the steps would swallow me up or i'd chameleon into the wall or something. stan and her exchange words and she turns back to her room. i instinctively run to the basement wide eyed and sober.

did she see me? maybe she didn't. maybe she did! what the hell could i possibly say that would validate me being in their house tiptoeing shoes in hand at the crack of dawn?

monday night.

after having lost sleep over it, i finally have dinner with his parents. nothing out of the ordinary happens. they're both chatty and pleasant. i can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

PHEW!

no announcements from me.

phew! i got my period today. now i can start on a clean slate and regularize my schedule. it was starting to get confusing so i decided to just get through a month without my daily pills and hope for the best. not the smartest thing to do but at least i got through it unscathed.

this weekend was just a ball of emotion though. i don't think i've ever had a worse bout with PMS ever since i've been on the pill and since i rested for a month after 3 years of taking it, practically all hell broke loose. i could feel the steam rising from the top of my head when the barrista at coffee bean didn't get my order right and took forever and a day to give me what i wanted. i ate lechon 3 times yesterday and still had space for chocolate chip cookies. i was snapping at stan, crossing my arms and pouting whenever i didn't get what i wanted. i was nearly in tears when i couldn't find a dvd i just bought and i was in a hissy fit when i was about to sign off YM to get a good night's sleep and a friend came on and starts whining about how boring his life is. plus, my face is so spotty from all the pimples i've been getting for the past week and i've been having headaches and migraines for the past 3 days.

i'm just glad it's over and i can have normal pimple-free PMS-free super predictable periods again.

1234... tell me that you love me more.

i love Feist. i first heard her on the new iPod nano commercial and went on a downloading spree. all her songs are pretty cute. the kind that chase away monday blues.

my personal favorites are 1234, mushaboom, my moon man and i feel it all. trust me, they're worth getting!

anyway, i've started working out. so far so good. i hit the gym around 4:30, do 20 minutes of warm up cardio on the treadmill, do some weights then join an hour long dance class. so far so good. i've been going since tuesday and everything hurts. i just hope i can keep it up till christmas at least. now to keep the munchies at bay. i swear, for the past 2 weeks i've been eating and eating. i can't seem to take my mind off food. even while i'm typing this, i have a sudden urge to eat bibinka. maybe my period's coming. i have been feeling a bit irritable, needy and clingy lately. either that or it's something else... *crosses fingers.

on remakes and orginals

we're sitting on our usual green couch, typing away on our respective laptops.

Just Like Heaven by Katie Melua plays on my iTunes.

him: oh. i thought it was The Cure.
me: The Cure?
him: sus! they're the originals! you're listening to a remake. the one of The Cure was better.
me: better? okay. i'll download it to check it out.
me: downloads song on limewire and listens to it. decides that the remake was better but gives kudos to The Cure for coming up with the lyrics.
him: it's better noh?
me: err.. i kinda liked the unplugged remake by Katie better.
him: ha??!! The Cure is new wave! sus!!! that's the best. all those other artists are just copying! man.. you're too pop.
me: you're too old.

a day in the life of the rich and famous

stan asked me to go to this dinner at marco polo and halfway before we get there, he so casually announces that zee was "covering" the dinner because his friend steve, the host, who was going to be featured as entrepreneur of the year and needed pics with his uber exclusive EO buddies for the article. and.. he casually mentions his ex was going to be there in our little intimate dinner of 6.

anyway, our dinner was served one elaborately designed morsel at a time in huge white plates in shapes i've never seen. and if being in the company of these super successful, well-traveled, fancy worded people wasn't stressful enough, i was out of my mind starving after being stuck in traffic for almost 2 hours. figuring out which fork to use required extra human strength to review my Tiffany's Book of Manners in my head. i had to use every bit of discipline not to stuff the whole damn "course' into my mouth. plus, i was waiting for candy to breeze into the room looking all primped and pretty and plop down into the empty seat beside stan.

needless to say, dinner was great. it got a bit of getting used to but after a few rounds of wine, everyone seemed jovial and i was quite relaxed myself. thank God candy was a no show or i would have downed more wine than i would have wanted to and regretted it tomorrow.

aside from finding out that you can actually feel full after being served 9 tablespoons of food spread out on 9 plates with wine in between, i actually learned 2 new things. Civet Coffee and Enema. interesting pish posh dinner conversation. i'm too sleepy to elaborate so go google it.

marla got her upgrade

yay for me! 1.2 G of RAM is quite enough to make things move at the speed of light. or maybe.. in a blink of an eye lang. 2 Gs would have been sweeter but my pocket doesn't reach that deep. yes. i'm a secret computer nerd but only when it comes to macs.

anyway, i also decided to upgrade since i'm going to be doing alot of marketing peripherals for my tita maling and my mom for their bath & body products. i had fun doing them and i guess this is just the thing to take me out of my self absorbed melancholy over you-know-who. it'll help me stick to my plan of not thinking about it and not bringing it up and just trying to rebuild my life with ME in the center of it.

i'm running out of rope

got this from exploding dog. it made me laugh because i think this drawing sums up what waiting for a proposal for 3 loooong years feels like. i'm making a conscious effort to paint that thought black but every corner i turn reminds me of it. i swear! i turn on the TV and the only thing good to watch was My Bestfriends Wedding, i walk by a bridal shop every weekend in BTC, i attended a Yap family gathering and now stans uncle has gotten into the prodding and badgering.

what's a girl to do... what's a girl to do...

anyway, got on YM and johann starts chatting me up and eventually we get to the subject i'm trying to avoid. i relent and just vent. i think he's the first guy i've asked about what he thinks is going on in stans head. i have no clue since he never tells me anything nor does he address my subtle or overt hinting, letter writing and what not. anyway, we came up with a plan to just shut up about it for a year... or until the 3rd iStore has come into fruition. no hinting, no letter writing.. no nothing. if he doesn't after a year of silence from me, i don't know what'll work and i guess i'll just have to admit defeat. if he doesn't by then, he probably never will. in the meantime, i have to come up with a well rehearsed quip to say to fend off well-meaning friends and family whenever the subject arises.

any ideas?

what made my day today

i got this nice surprise forward from stan in the mail. i got kilig that he thought of me when he read this and took the trouble to send it to me.

whining forgiven. =)

The abandoned monkey who has found love with a pigeon
Last updated at 18:39pm on 13th September 2007



They're an odd couple in every sense but a monkey and a pigeon have become inseparable at an animal sanctuary in China.

The 12-week-old macaque - who was abandoned by his mother - was close to death when it was rescued on Neilingding Island, in Goangdong Province.

After being taken to an animal hospital his health began to improve but he seemed spiritless - until he developed a friendship with a white pigeon.

The blossoming relationship helped to revive the macaque who has developed a new lease of life, say staff at the sanctuary.

Now the unlikely duo are never far from each other's side, but they aren't the only ones to strike up an unusual friendship.

Earlier this year a pig adopted a tiger cub and raised him along with her piglets because his mother couldn't feed him.

And in 2005 a baby dear named Mi-Lu befriended lurcher Geoffrey at the Knowsley Animal Park in Merseyside after she was rejected by her mother.

whiner whiner pants on fire

the past two days have been really nice. stan and i found something new to do together and that's to try to beat each other out in online scrabble and boggle. i've been really happy considering for the past few weeks, it's been nothing but work for him and i've been left to fend for myself.

we ended pretty late last night playing back to back games of boggle and he walks me to the car. suddenly, he remembers all that i was supposed to set up a "sophie schedule" and starts whining about how i "never" take the things he asks me to do seriously and how i "always" forget. well, i did in fact forget... but what got me irked was why did he have to bring those things up when i couldn't do anything about them anymore. and why did he have to ruin such a nice night by whining. i hate leaving with a sour note and it eats me up lying in bed thinking about it.

and what about all my good attributes? why can't he ever bring those up instead of always pointing out what i did wrong or what i didn't do or what i need to do. i'm a firm believer of positive reinforcement and i don't i think i nit-pick at his short comings. i don't even dare bring up the "major" issues i have with him just to peacefully coexist in the hope that it'll all just go away by itself. nobody ever rose to low expectations and i'm getting tired of him always being the one who has to remind me of what an imperfect person i am.

food food food...

i'm in the mood for cooking. it all started with a field trip i had with the grade 1 class to our little farm up in cantipla. i volunteered to bake cheese cupcakes which turned out to be quite yummy. the kids loved it and they wiped out all the cupcakes i made. being up there reminded me how beautiful it was up there and how nice it would be to have a lovely party with good friends and good music.

i'm crazy about anything with cheese nowadays so i was thinking of having parma ham and shrimp cheese fondue, a light spaghetti aglio olio, a nice crisp romaine lettuce cesear salad with lots of parmesan cheese, minute steaks which we can grill ourselves and tia maria crepes for dessert.


mmmm.....

whatcha think? let's set a date? how about a nice saturday afternoon...

ode to the one who makes me wait

i wanted to write a poem with "ode to the one who makes me wait" as the title. for lack of words to coin together, i shall borrow from Gwen Stefani. been running on empty the past few days and i need to somehow fan the flames.


The Real Thing Lyrics (Gwen Stefani)

I've seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I've kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I've held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we're together most days
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time

You're a salty water ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

Heaven knows what will come next
So emotional, you're so complex
A rollercoaster built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing
Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I)

It's you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you'd still be mine
Or I'd really need to have you around

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you're my love supply

Don't go away
My love (you're my love supply)
I want you to stay
In my life (every day, every night)
Don't go away
My love (you're my love supply)
I need you, you're my love supply

i'm in the mood to write

maya and i were supposed to go buy emil a birthday gift for his birthday tomorrow but instead it turned into a dinner and dessert date which we seem to be having more frequently than the usual. well, we still got the gift which took all of 5 seconds to order an ipod radio transmitter from iStore and have it delivered. then we got down to business...

we got to talking about planning weddings in the spirit of ren's wonderfully concocted winter harvest theme for her upcoming wedding. when i think of my wedding, i can't seem to think of anything else except the most delicate shade of pink and chiffon cloth set against a beautiful sunset beach. my sister as the maid of honor and my best girl friends as bridesmaids. i'm in a romantic white dress and my groom is waiting for me at the altar with eyes only for me. everything whispers love and romance during the ceremony but we have a rockin' reception that ends as the sun comes up. and after i've worn out my dancing shoes, i snuggle into the arms of my husband with a smile on my face as i drift off to sleep.

yep. that's me... borderline cheesy lovey dovey spring summery me.

ren. we have to have coffee to plan your wedding!

my soon to be gone crooked smile

this was the picture that i saw which made me decide to get braces. you can't really see my crooked teeth until it's been frozen in time in a photograph. i guess i just couldn't bear the thought of looking through my wedding album and seeing my crooked smile knowing i could have done something about it.

anyway... i have about 2 weeks left till my first adjustment then i'll know how much progress i've made. it's been a lot of adjustment having braces. you have to think before you eat. by now i'm pretty much adjusted to the whole process of thinking before i put anything in my mouth. and i also have to take into consideration whether forgetful-me brought my toothbrush or not. i'm still a bit self conscious about the braces especially when it comes to eating. it always feels like all the crumbs are stuck between my teeth.

that's about it.. the first blog on why i got my braces.

pms

i had merienda with maya yesterday and we were both PMSing. we ended up ordering squid balls with spicy sauce, bibinka with tsokolate and kiwi lemonade at Kenya Cafe. the food was pretty good and the place was nicely decorated. over our neurotic merienda, we discussed substantial things like making worthwhile investments and somehow attaining financial stability. we're both nearing our 30s. she's unattached and i can't get my boyfriend to commit so we vowed to start taking care of ourselves and each other. we both resolved to make it a point to keep track of our financial progress (may, i think we should really support each other on this. i saw a show on oprah and how a group of girl friends were able to save a lot of money by following up on each other and setting goals).

i guess we never really thought up to this point in our lives that the possibility of not having someone to take care of us might actually BE a possibility. well, for me anyway... i think it'll be good to have a backup plan in case the picture perfect life i dreamed up might not come true. in the end, there's really no one else you can count on but yourself. i think i should stop pinning my dreams and my security on someone else like a husband. you just never know...

"As for you, my galvanized friend, you want a heart. You don't know how lucky you are not to have one. Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. " - the wizard of oz

a brace blog

maya once suggested for me to make an i've-got-braces blog to document the progress and problems of being an adult with braces. do you really want to hear about the things that go on my my mouth? hehe. well, needless to say, i'll have loads to write about. i never realized how exciting someone's mouth can be!

my latest issue: a huge canker sore that just won't go away plus i woke this morning and totally flipped out over the sensation that my teeth were getting loose. i think it's back to my soft food diet since i'm terrified of biting into something and seeing a tooth fall out. is this normal or should i make another trip to my dentist?

my after thoughts

okay. now that i've sorted things out in my head and my boyfriend actually came around to opening up to me, maybe things aren't as bad as they seem between us. since i'm not really at liberty to divulge his side of the story, let's just say that he has issues in his life that need immediate attention so i have to wait at the bottom of the pile until he sorts them out. maybe this is a test in patience and understanding for me. i know he needs me to be understanding and not to contribute to the stress in his life which is quite difficult since by nature, women like to made the center of their significant other's universe.

quite frankly my patience is wearing thin and everything in me right now screams to be attended to and made a priority. i've sat the back seat of his life all these years and with engagements popping up like mushrooms it just adds to the itching to get one from him too. but realistically speaking, i think i've come to the conclusion that if i want to fight for this relationship to have a real chance to make it, i need to hold it together and be strong for him right now. this is not by any means easy on my part but i'll give it everything i have and over again.

right now, he needs a friend and not a whiny girlfriend demanding things from him. so please Lord God, let him one day realize the lengths and heights i will go to make this work. he's the one i want. he's the one who sparks my passions, makes me want to be a better person and just makes me happy.

i know this isn't the wisest of all decisions and by now people have actually suggested me leaving him. i'm just not about that. no matter what, i cannot deny my tendency to spoil the ones i love. so i've decided to just be myself and see it through. no games. no manipulations. no expectations. no strategies. love with no regrets. what you see is what you get. and if i end up with a broken heart, then that's just life telling me to close this chapter and move on. (i'm pep-talking myself if you haven't noticed)

i've often wondered why God allowed us to be put together. we're so different on many levels. but i think we each have what the other doesn't. he has discipline, direction and drive. i, on the other hand, have the ability to be content playing the supportive role. he's been through a lot and although he's moved on and managed to push through all the emotional baggage, he never ever forgets. i have an unusually forgetful memory and an abnormally soft heart. he can be dark and quiet. i like to talk and smile. he seems strong and impervious but underneath it all i know he easily gets hurt and affected. i seem onion skinned and emotional but more and more i discover a strength in me that can withstand more than what people expect me to.

maybe this is practice for sticking with each other in good time and in bad. even though i know i've given a lot, that doesn't mean i should stop. maybe this is the true test of commitment, when i can put away what i expect from him and be there for him.

anyway, on a lighter note, boracay was awesome. we got lucky with a sunny saturday and everything just fell into place. we saw three rainbows that day which i took as a good omen. we had a pretty relaxing day at the beach and i think we just needed that break to be away from our laptops and just be together without any distractions.

and on an even lighter note: congratulations to ren and judd!!! i can't believe my favorite couple actually made it!!! ren, even if i feel a slight twinge of jealousy (hehe), i am so truly truly happy for you. if there's anyone in this world who deserves a fairy tale ending, it's you. i wish you all the best and you can count on me to help you with your wedding plans. let's have coffee soon! love you!!

he's just not into me.

here i am again... talking about the M word.

Stan Yap: you don't have to get married to be truely in love
Stan Yap: as may said.. it's just a piece of paper
Chezka Martinez: well, that's true. that's for some people.. and some people feel it's right to get married
Chezka Martinez: so which one are you? hehe
Chezka Martinez: kung ako lang, i couldn't care less. i'm fine living with you and having kids even if you're not the marrying type. but i guess i don't want to disrespect my parents or your parents sad.
Chezka Martinez: i just know lang it'll break my parent's heart if i do that
Chezka Martinez: and some part of me still believes in marriage even if it didn't really work out for my parents.
Chezka Martinez: are you still breathing? or have you fainted na? hahaha
Chezka Martinez: so i guess for now.. you can just decide how much you love me and how long you want me around and we'll take it from there
Chezka Martinez: love?
Stan Yap: on the phone
Chezka Martinez: okay.. not the reply i was hoping for
Chezka Martinez: you there?
Stan Yap: i'm in a meeting

there.

i think i unofficially got my answer to the 2 year question that's been nagging me. marriage is just a piece of paper, according to my boyfriend. and almost by sheer serendipity i was having a simultaneous chat conversation with kaka and this book she bought called He's Just Not Into You. here are some of the excerpts she was quoting to me.

"if you're afraid to even broach the topic of marriage for fear that he's going to break up with you, then this dude not only has all the money, but all the power as well..."

"please write down how long it took you to start thinking that you might want to marry the guy you're dating, write down how long it took you to know for surelook and see if these seemed like a reasonably appropriate amount of time then tell yourself that he has no good excuse for not having figured that out by now too."

"if you have different views about marriage, what else are you not on the same page about? time to take inventory"

*bells ringing in my head.

all i have to say is i did not deserve to get ditched like that when i was clearly wearing my heart on my sleeve. is this really how it is? when you profess your undying love to someone, they tell you they're on the phone and can't talk and shelve you like yesterdays newspaper?

why does it seem like he has all the time to listen to everyone else's whining about their problems but can't give the time of day to a girlfriend who has been patiently waiting by his side through all the poker games, temper tantrums and whatever else he makes me wait for? i move mountains to make him happy but he can't lift a finger to type out the words "i love you too but i'm busy. can we talk about this another time?"

and i'm sorry... marriage is just NOT just a piece of paper. even with the odds stacked against me (statistics say that kids who have divorced parents will most likely have marital problems as well), i still believe in the time old institution of marriage. it's the most beautiful thing a man and a woman can do together. to get in front of friends and family and make a promise to God to forever be faithful in sickness and in health, for richer and for poorer is truly a miracle in itself. to promise to love someone no matter what and to stick with him in the good times and bad makes life worth living.

i've never wanted grand things in life. i've never wanted to be on top of the corporate ladder or to be wildly famous. all i want is someone to come home to me every day and children to love and take care of. i believe i'm worth that. and in this relationship, i think i've given it my all and more. i've given everything with no reserve for what i have left for myself. i drive to his house everyday in sickness and in health just to spend a few hours with him as he types away at his computer. i cannot remember the last time he said he loved me without me having to say it first.

and yet, here i am... waiting for the dawn to bring in a new day because i'll see him again.

inspiration

Battle-Scene

From the Comic Operatic Fantasy The Seafarer

It beguiles--
This little Odyssey
In pink and lavender
Over a surface of gently-
Graded turquoise tiles
That represent a sea
With chequered waves and gaily
Bear up the seafarer,
Gaily, gaily,
In his pink plume and armor.

A lantern-frail
Gondola of paper
Ferries the fishpond Sindbad
Who poises his pastel spear
Toward three pinky-purple
Monsters which uprear
Off the ocean-floor
With fanged and dreadful head.
Beware, beware
The whale, the shark, the squid.

But fins and scales
Of each scrolled sea-beast
Troll no slime, no weed.
They are polished for the joust,
They gleam like easter eggshells,
Rose and amethyst.
Ahab, fulfill your boast:
Bring home each storied head.
One thrust, one thrust,
One thrust: and they are sped.

So fables go.
And so all children sing
Their bathtub battles deep,
Hazardous and long,
But oh, sage grownups know
Sea-dragon for sofa, fang
For pasteboard, and siren-song
For fever in a sleep.
Laughing, laughing
Of graybeards wakes us up.

(1958)

... i found this while browsing the net for inspiration. the painting is by Paul Klee but it's only now that i found out that there's a poem that goes with it.

the truth behind my braces

at 25 years old, i got braces. it started out as a routine checkup at the dentist which led to me complaining about how my teeth seem a little more crooked than usual to the actual getting of braces to fix my teeth. a lot of people have been asking me why i got them. my teeth never seemed crooked to most people and it's not like i had a hideous smile. to tell you the truth, i saw one picture of me with my mouth closed and i saw how one side protruded more than the other. it looked like i was smirking! and it doesn't help that my boyfriend has this odd fixation with girls with perfect teeth. plus, lately i've been having weird insecurities about my looks. i've been standing in the mirror more than usual and ogling at every pore, dimple and wrinkle (gasp! i've found a few!!!) wondering how far my looks will go. i think i'm well prepared for the onset of aging by investing in lots of skin care and giving up my favorite pastime of sun bathing. i've noticed that my already slow metabolism has lagged even more so no matter how little i eat, i still gain weight and i'm becoming rounder and softer practically everywhere. i just couldn't bear the thought of waking up at 45 years old, looking like nanny mcphee, all round and wrinkly with crooked teeth to boot when i could have done something about it.

mix in the pressure of why my boyfriend has not proposed to me and prospective in-laws asking for grandchildren and there you have it... chezka's all original solution to uncomplicate her life. get effin' braces. i'll have a year to blame my braces for him not wanting to marry me.

so i guess if stan eventually dumps me, at least i'll still look good enough to attract someone else with my perfect pearly whites and hopefully i'll have lost some of the weight by then with my forced controlled eating.

there you have it. my twisted logic come to life.

and if you're wondering... yes. it's possible to make out with braces on. quite honestly, i wouldn't have blamed him if he didn't want to anymore. even i wouldn't want to kiss myself! i guess i'm elated that he still wanted to even with the threat of cutting his lips up.

i've finally done it!

i've finally learned how to knit. my students were having knitting class and i gamely joined them with sheer determination to succeed. if you don't already know, i can't do crap with a needle and thread so this was quite a challenge. anyway, after undoing and redoing my "knitting" about 4 times i've managed to knit a couple of rows. it's quite addicting and therapeutic. i now know why (though i don't think i'd go that far) meredith grey substituted knitting for sex. hahaha.

the M word

stans parents take turns talking to me about the M word. it vacillates between friendly conversation and deadly confrontation depending on who talks to me and the level of their frustration. today was one of them. stans mom and i were alone in the house and she came into his room to make me promise her to find time to talk to stan about the M word. it was quite heart wrenching to hear it all over again and to add icing to the cake, she started tearing up and hugged me.

what's a girl to do?

OPTION 1
i do what they say and do the dirty work. it is quite tempting. i'll get to the end of the story quicker. scheming and planning will be involved and maybe i'll get what i want and maybe in a year we'll get married but will i ever know if this is what he wanted? maybe i'll be elated being engaged for a while but sooner or later reality will set in and maybe i'll have nagging doubts about whether he was just being a decent guy and rolling over to what i wanted because i wanted it badly enough to ask.

OPTION 2
tough it out and wait. maybe this will take forever and i know i will have to undergo more torturous talks. even worse, i might find out the long and arduous way that i've waited for nothing. the talks were cute and flattering at first but 3 years down the road, it really makes you think about why he hasn't yet and the longer it takes, the more doubts start to form and the bleaker the future looks.

so what now... looks like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

on closing cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a
standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person - nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

on a cloudy monday morning

stans birthday weekend was almost perfect except for the fact that i'm writing this blog instead of being on a plane to boracay. i actually got him up early and we headed for the airport as scheduled. the take off was perfect and the weather was starting to clear up and then we started circling the runway and the pilot decided to go back since there was a rattling sound that was coming from the plane.

oh well... i guess i'll have to save that day trip for another time. needless to say i was really disappointed and on the verge of tears but stan put on a smile and said it was okay. we'll have lots of other weekends to go and better safe than sorry.

anyway. in reference to maya's blog. i guess it's quite alright to go down the path of least resistance for the time being. maybe you just need some sort of catalyst to launch you into making a decision to either fight for it or to put a stop to it. i've always believed in all or nothing when it comes to love, but that's just me. whichever you chose, you have to be committed to it 100%. there's nothing wrong with being vulnerable and there's certainly nothing wrong in telling him how you really feel about it. there's no loss of dignity when you tell someone that you still love them even if it ends in rejection. at least at that moment, if things go awry then you'll be prepared as opposed to being hit over the head and left in the dust when you least expect it. but i guess that's if you feel really strongly about it. but if the daily conversations have no effect on you whatsoever then maybe it's quite alright to just leave it as it is until it dies a natural death or develops into a totally platonic relationship. case and point.. stan and candy are exes but they don't talk 3 hours a day or i would have left him a long time ago. they talk once in a while and usually about computer problems and perhaps personal problems. and he never uses the term "we" with her or makes "tying plans" like putting up a business or whatever. plus she does all the calling. he's much too busy to be concerned with the life plans of his ex so i kinda have my doubts if that's all he wants from you. i mean... i'm your bestfriend and i don't think we've ever talked every day on the phone since we've graduated from highschool! and guys aren't built for long platonic phone calls unless they have some vested interest. contrary to what we believed when we were 16, there are assholes out there and i suppose you should at least try to unearth whatever motives he has. and besides, the fact that he says "if it bothers you, i'll stop calling." already suggests that he knows full well that it isn't A-OK but still persists.

i think as grown women, we should learn to realize when we're beating a dead horse and as quickly and painlessly as we can, move on. we don't have the time or the shelf life to be jerked around. if we can help it, we should avoid the undesirable as not to grow into a bitter-man-loathing old maid but look back on love experiences as lessons and not regrets.

birthday countdown

i'm on official boyfriend birthday countdown. i've always loved birthdays and i think i'm more excited for them than the celebrants themselves. hehe. anyway, stan will be turning 36 (yes THIRTY SIX) in about 48 hours. i've planned a little birthday getaway for us as his birthday gift and i'm praying the weather cooperates. please please please Lord God, don't let it rain.

i still want to get him something though so he'll have something to open from me. i have one day to figure out what that's going to be. help help help!

doesn't this remind you of stan?

hahaha!

My 8 things Meme

i've just read maya's blog and she tagged me to do the 8 Meme things.

1. i've been a naughty girl this weekend. stans parents were away for the weekend so i decided to sleep over at his house on the pretense that i'm elsewhere.

2. i'm obsessed with getting a copy of the latest Harry Potter book. i started reading the Harry Potter series since the book series came out. i'm hooked. stan keeps annoying me by looking at spoilers sites and teasing me about who dies. nevertheless, he said he'll get me the book to satiate my endless whining about getting the book.

3. i am soooo unprepared for tomorrow. monday is when i have non-stop back to back classes so i have absolutely no time to prepare during the day. i'm trying to train myself to get in earlier than i'm supposed to so i can have a few minutes to figure out what the hell i'm going to be doing with my classes. thank God i'm teaching art so i can semi-wing it.

4. i never leave for anywhere until the last absolute minute that i have to. i hate being the first one there and sitting around alone.

5. i get depressed on sunday evenings (like now). i love my job but there's always some sort of sadness that creeps in and makes me pouty when the weekend ebbs away.

6. i'm a super grumpy morning person. it might be genetic because hannah is the same way too.

7. i have about a week left to get stan a birthday gift and i have no idea what to get him. help!

8. i like watching those stupid reality shows like The Bachelor etc etc and makeover shows ala Ambush Makeover when i'm tired from work and i need to de-stress.

you get what you give.

after a day of moping around and sulking, i'm happy to report that we've patched things up. he did say he was sincerely sorry for blowing up and i guess it's just too emotionally taxing to hold a grudge. life's too short to let anger eat it up. hopefully my sunny take on life might infect my perpetually grumpy carebear who likes to stomp around and pout when things don't go his way.

since i can't possibly hope to lecture a 35 year old man who's seemingly set in his ways, i'll teach by example. that's my mission.

i've just been kicked where it hurts. slept in my makeup and woke up to an angrily stormy morning. so far, no tears. just a sad gnawing ache in my heart and it hurts to breathe.

maybe he'll call. maybe he won't. maybe he's fallen out of love.

my current favorite song.

Bottle it Up
by Sara Bareilles

There’ll be girls across the nation that will eat this up babe
I know that it’s your soul but could you bottle it up and
Get down to the heart of it, no it’s my heart you’re shit out of your luck
Don’t make me tell you again my love love love love.
Love love love love.

I am aiming to be somebody this somebody trusts with her delicate soul
I don’t claim to know much except soon as you start to make room for the parts
That aren’t you it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love love love love
Love Love love love

Only thing I ever could need , only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s

Love
Love
Love
Love
I do it for Love
Love
Love
Love

We can understand the sentiment you’re saying to us oh,
But sensible sells so could you kindly shut up and get started
At keeping your part of the bargain aw please little darlin’
You’re killing me sweetly with love, love love love
Love love love love

Only thing I ever could need only one good thing worth trying to be

Love
Love
Love
Love
I do it for Love
Love
Love
Love

Started as a flicker meant to be a flame
Skin has gotten thicker but it burns the same
Still a baby in a cradle got to take my first fall
Baby’s getting next to nowhere with a back against the wall.
You meant to make me happy make me sad.
Want to make it better better so bad.
But save your resolutions for your never new year
There is only one solution I can see here.

Love you’re all I ever could need only one good thing worth trying to be and it’s
Love
Love
Love
Love
I do it for love, love, love, love
Oh, only gonna get get what you give away, so give love, love
Only gonna get get what you give away
Love

i work in a museum

too funny. haha.

after 6 loooooog weeks, i'm finally back to work. feels good.

happy iPhonniversary

so todays THE DAY. happy anniversary to stan and me! we've made it this far... i'm pretty sure we'll last forever. anyway, this is his way of greeting me and attempting to bridge the gap since we're not physically together for today.

i got this in the mail when i woke up.

Happy 4th of July!



no fancy shmancy message. just this. well, stan's always been a read between the lines guy and for someone quite straight forward he never says straight out what he means.

i just had to laugh. it's so him and i love him for it.

tick tock goes the clock

time moves so slowly when we're apart. from the hustle and bustle of keeping up with a "schedule", my day has come to a creeping halt. there's no one home to keep me company and the internet's whacked too. i didn't feel like painting today so i won't force it.

so to pass the time, i hung out at my grandparents house all afternoon. my nono looks well. he's eating and sitting and chatting. he hadn't been well in a long time so this was a vast improvement from the state he was in three weeks ago. we had a good time talking about how to cook risotto and my best childhood memories in their old house in manila. my nona came in and out of the room bringing treats for us. twix bars, cassava cake, fresh orange juice and we gamely snacked to our hearts content.

i love this house and all the good things it makes me feel when i'm sad. this morning, as i dropped stan off at the airport, i was teetering feeling bad about him missing our anniversary. but now i feel better.

better late than never

our third anniversary will be rolling around in a few days and he won't be here to celebrate it with me!! stan's being called off to manila for a couple of days for an Apple event that he must go to. after dreaming and scheming up this day, this is so not how i imagined it to be.

oh well.. i guess sometimes you just can't have it all. i suppose a "better late than never" attitude will have to come to play and maybe we can just celebrate it on the weekend instead. anyway, it's too much of a hassle to make a big deal out of him missing the actual day since he'll be back the day after. plus, we've been in a pretty happy mood lately and i don't wanna ruin it by throwing a tantrum.

anyway, i've been craving and craving for gyu don from nonki. any takers?

all good things must come to an end

classes start on monday so i'm pretty much on my last week of vacation. well, i had a pretty good 6 weeks of R&R and i can't complain because i know most people in the working world can't even get 3 weeks paid vacation.

i will miss waking up late and tagging along with stan to work. i hope he'll miss the company too since it can be pretty lonely at the top. aside from his meetings, business phone calls and dispatches to his office lackeys, he doesn't really talk to anyone else. and i guess it's been good for me seeing him work because i have an understanding of what goes on in his typical day and i won't be too much in a hissy fit next time i ask him out to lunch and he says that he can't.

i'll also miss having all day to paint and draw and dream up things to sketch. afternoon naps, spur of the moment coffee dates, and endless internet surfing will also be missed.

then again, i have been missing my kids the whole summer. i miss their hugs and kisses and our conversations about anything and nothing at all. i'm quite excited about teaching elem art. it won't be easy adjusting to every grade level but i guess i'll manage.

cheers to a new schoolyear!

exploding dog pick me ups

this one is called "here i am being patient."




this one is called "i can't, it's too stupid."

and they say women are complicated

i ask "so, what time should i be at your house tomorrow?"

he says "just be early."

i say "i know, but what time exactly? i don't want to be too early and my early might not be your early and i don't want to be left behind."

he says "hmmm.. before 9."

the next day i arrive at his house around 10 minutes BEFORE 9.

he says " diba i said before 9?"

i reply "yeah."

he says " so, why didn't you come earlier? if i said be here at 9 then you should be here 10 minutes before 9. but i said before 9 so that means be here by 8:30."

i gingerly reply while controlling my temper "didn't i ask for a time? if you meant 8:30 then why didn't you just say 8:30?"

he says "because, you're supposed to know that."

okay. did i miss anything here? was i not clear and concise when i asked for a specific time and did i not arrive before 9? how is before 9 supposed to equate to 8:30 if you don't say so? perhaps he's used to more telepathically inclined women. well, not me. not this one. if you don't say what you mean, then i won't get it. i'm not going to stand for being penalized for not reading someone's brain and why does he insist on making this relationship a chess game when things can be so much easier by just saying what you mean.

god. men. !!!

the ex files

last sunday was the first time i bumped into my ex since we broke up. it was at a poker game at Casino Filipino. i dropped stan off because i wanted to go home for a bit and i was going to catch up with him after an hour or so. when i get home, i get a text from stan going "your ex is here."

i replied with a "oh ok. don't worry about it."

when i finally got to the casino, the game was in full swing with about 10 poker tables full of men clinking their chips. then, the crowd seemed to part and there he was sitting at a table, cards in hand. we sort of locked eyes and i offered a small smile. he seemed to look at me and connect that the guy i was holding hands with was my boyfriend and looked right past us. no smile. no emotion. no eyebrow raise of recognition.

i guess it's just funny how someone i once cried buckets of tears for has no effect on me whatsoever. i neither felt happy nor sad or any other emotion when i saw him. it's as if we were strangers again. like we had no past. the rest of the afternoon went on as usual. no awkward hi-hellos. we didn't even get within 5 feet of each other.

i have no profound realization about this. just something to share. well, maybe i have one. no matter how bad it seems and how much you feel like your world is going to fall apart over how bad he hurt you, there will come a day when you'll be totally gorgeous and hot holding the hand of another guy who's so wonderful, not to mention gorgeous and hot, that he's kissed away every hurt feeling you've ever had, made you brand new with a heart full of love that it's enough to erase your ugly past.

marla got new clothes

i was starting to get a little sad everytime i looked at my macbook. although it still worked beautifully, the inside case was starting to get scratched up and stained. i naturally have acidic skin so everything white that i touch often eventually starts tuning yellow.

and it doesn't help that i bring my macbook to school with a hundred sticky fingers touching it.

thankfully stan had my cover changed for free! well, now it's "plasticated" to death and i have covers for about every inch of it. although i have to restrain myself from peeling it off, i know it's better to just leave the plastic thingies on so that it'll stay shiny and new.

what i've been up to

i've been pretty quiet in the blogging world but i've been avidly reading everyone else's blog. hehe. i agree with maya that it makes me feel like i'm waiting for another episode on my favorite tv show.

anyway, i just thought i'd update you guys on what i've been doing this summer:

on weekdays i usually go with stan to work. i get up at 8 AM and try to make it to his house by 9 so we can leave for the office at 930. we spend about 2-3 hours at HPS. he actually works, talks grown up business talk on the phone, signs checks, has meetings, types away on his computer while i am at my laptop to chat, download songs and browse. i've also been sketching alot. his huge corner office also comes with huge gorgeous windows that stream in natural daylight which is perfect for doing anything artistic on paper.

then we have lunch and hang out in the house till around 2pm then we head on to the iStore. i have also taken it upon myself to make sure his store looks nice and pretty everyday. i arrange stuff around and try to strategize on how to move the slow moving stuff.

i want to come up with posters for his iPhoto book and those giftcards that he made. i also have to call the contractor for new shelving for his cabinets.

when working hours are over, i try to make it to the gym for an hour or two.

weekends are usually spent sleeping in and just lounging around the house. we usually go out friday and saturday nights... the usual. drinks with friends and whatnot.

anyway, that's about it.

keep breathing.

i love this song from "Didn't we almost have it all". 25th episode of the 3rd season of Greys Anatomy.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michealson

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

you were right ren.

haha. okay...

i forgot to link maya's blog. but i swear i thought it was there all along!

i love rainy mornings.

first rainy morning in months.

i stayed in bed a little longer than usual snuggling in the warm sheets and feeling happy that my baby's coming home tomorrow.

i cut my hair.

i've relinquished my almost waist length beach babe wavy locks which i've worn for the past 3 years for something i hope looks more sophisticated.

it wasn't a planned decision but while i was sitting in the parlor chair, i realized i just had too much hair. i felt weighed down and heavy. i looked older and tired with my hair always in a bun because it's just too excruciatingly hot to leave it down. it got in the way of things, tore when i combed it and got tangled 5 minutes after i did.

so before i lost my nerve, i told her to cut it off.

my hair is now shoulder length with bangs and i've been able to wear it down two days in a row in this sweltering heat. i don't know if i look better but i feel better. i feel lighter and suprisingly happier. no more tight buns and scrounging around for hair ties. no more waiting forever and a day for my hair to dry before i could get out of the house. i wake up, roll out of bed and i'm ready to go with my considerably short and tousled look.

so there, i think cutting my hair was my unconscious symbolic action of letting go. letting go of things that weighed me down and made my heart feel heavy. no more nitpicking at myself and getting entangled in all my anxieties. maybe some things are just best left tousled as they are.

shiva

there was one episode on grey's anatomy where i actually learned something. it was the one where denny died and izzie started baking up a storm. meredith and christina were sitting in the kitchen and said it was a jewish custom of mourning called Shiva when somebody dies and family members cook.

although we're not jewish and my nono has not yet passed. the women in the family seem to have fallen into a cooking/baking frenzy. i go and visit him everyday and his house always smells of good things to eat. the freezer is stocked full of homemade avocado ice cream and all the cookie jars are full of tita maling's chocolate chip cookies. so far, we've made cheesecake, brussell sprout soup, natilya and baked spring chicken. suddenly, everyone's reaching into the back of their heads and bringing out all their secret recipes to make. we've recently gotten excited about the prospect of making braided bread, paella, lasagna and some other kind of cookies.

our family has always been about food. if there's one thing we have in common, it's the love of creating good things to eat and serving it to people near and dear to us. although nono is too ill to eat anything we make, he enjoys the smell of a happy kitchen and always asks what's cooking.

i'm too hung over to write an intelligent blog.

anyway, i'm contemplating having a dinner thingi at home and drinks after with the girls. plus... a Chanel makeover for everyone. i just need to get rid of this pounding headache to get my text invites out.

the acid test

the weekend's finally here and while i'm happy to get away from my cleaning and arranging my classroom, a certain amount of panic is starting to set in. i'm beginning to miss him and it's usually more on the weekends since that's when we're usually together from sun up to sun down.

i have to learn to entertain myself. i've come to realize that if i'm ever going to end up with stan, i have to be able to survive without him since he'll always be travelling. and it might be slightly worse if we're married since i'll be in our house all by myself with no sisters to harrass and wheedle into doing activities with me.

note to self: must look at previous post to remind myself of actvities planned out for my alone alone weekend.

anyway, i think i'll be okay. my happy thought: by this time next week, he'll be back.

i just have to get through this weekend without a neurotic meltdown.

day 3

looks like i've gotten the hang of things. i'm busy busy at work preparing my classroom and lesson plans. our boss just announced that the sooner we finish our work, the sooner we can go for vacation. i'm aiming to be on vacation by the 25th. that'll mean 6 weeks of absolutely nothing to do.

on the love front, we're doing fine. i'm not neurotically missing him but i do think about him once in a while. we get to chat in the mornings and when i get home from work. plus i have some activities planned out for the weekend.

girls night out on friday and/ or saturday? let me know.

day 1

okay.

i just got home from the gym and this "alone time" thing doesn't seem to be coming in trickles. i'm home alone right now. like really really alone. maid's gone home to vote and hasn't returned yet, sister #1 is probably out with her boyfriend and sister #2 is at a sleepover. mom's not home either. i'm defrosting a premarinated porkchop for dinner and thankfully there's left over rice in the rice cooker.

in the meantime i shall blog, while waiting for my porkchop to be "cookable".

today wasn't bad. dropped my lovey off at the airport but i played hooky this morning from work to buy some extra cuddle time. i got pretty busy in the afternoon rearranging my new classroom and i did cardio for about 45 minutes in the gym before deciding that that was enough for my first day at gym.

things were fine and dandy and i had happy thoughts popping up like pansies... until i ran into stans dad and he mentioned that stans mom wanted to talk to me. whatever for??? well, maya said it might be some business venture like selling those designer bags for her again and i'm trying desperately to hold on to that idea to keep me from freaking out over it.

i'll absolutely die if this talk has something to do with stan and me. i have enough of that shit from my biological mother. i don't need my boyfriend's mother to join in.

maybe i can just avoid her till stan gets home and she'll have forgotten about it already.

anyway, i think i can cook my porkchop now. i'll have dinner with my puppies, have a nice relaxing bath and pour over paintings till maya calls me later.

i do believe in fairies.

Ordinary Miracle by Sarah Mclachlan

It’s not that unusual
When everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
Don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a rain drop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds and winter have their fling
But always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we’re all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle

Do you want to see a miracle?

It seems so exceptional
That things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Sun comes up and shines so bright
And disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today.


During the fairy dance of the graduation program, my 3 year old student Angelica asked me in wide eyed wonder if the fairies were real. She said she'd never seen a fairy till now and that they were the most beautiful things she'd ever seen.

i said yes, they were real.

She smiled and hugged me and for a moment i did see real fairies.

10 days of solitude

ho hum.

stan is leaving for canada yet again. this time it's going to be for 10 days. that means 10 days of alone time for me. i often panic at the thought of being alone but lately i think think this forced soilitude might actually be good for me. i admit, i've been quite detached from my life and absorbed in this relationship.

at the start i promised myself not to let this happen but now i'm knee deep in anxiety, fretting over every single frown he makes. i analyze every single kiss to death and lie awake at night with my what ifs. it's exhausting. may, i think i will join you in your quest to cleanse your bad vibes. sign me up for yoga!

maybe this relationship is stronger than i think it is. maybe it'll actually thrive on it's own without my constant attention.

in the meantime, i will use this 10 days wisely to invest in myself. i will...

1. paint
2. go to gym religiously
3. design and have shorts made for next school year
4. finish my art curriculum for next school year
5. go out with friends
6. spend time with my nono and nona
7. spend time with my dad
8. attempt to spend time with my mom
9. mandate a sisters only outing with my siblings
10. sleep alot

there. 10 things to do for my 10 days of solitude.

happy birthday nono!

it's my nonos birthday tomorrow.

but... baby, i love you.

haha. i love this.

my happy rainy day

okay. so he got kinda ticked off at me for going out saturday night since i was still sick and should have been at home resting. today was spent entirely indoors on compulsory bed rest so i could get better, no poker, no beach... just him and me on the couch all day flipping through channels and falling in and out of sleep.

plus it rained today!

and... he got us matching t-shirts from his trip to manila. haha.

note to self. and anyone else who might need it.

I love this book by Anna Johnson called "All you need to survive are three black skirts". I've painstakingly copied some excerpts that I like from the book that may be helpful to you now or in the future.

Love myth: There's nothing like the real thing.

I don't believe there is a real substitute for intimate human love and romance. It's natural to miss the heady rush of falling in love - the way it heightens every one of our senses and replaces the monotony of the solitary life with drama and dimension. Once tasted, it's hard to live without. But if you're in between loves, how are you going to live in the meantime? In a dreary self-absorbed vacuum or a vibrant playground? I say, get out the fingerpaints. Try to see the world for a day a an artist sees it - passionately!

Romancing your life creates energy, energy makes you happy, being happy brings back your sense of humor, and laughing makes you pretty. Everyone is suddenly asking you "Are you in love?" and all you have to say is "Yes, in fact, I am in love - with snails and poems and pastry flour and a cloud shaped liked Mozart's ponytail and Justin Timberlake's voice and my nephew's big toe and the smell of fresh sheets and the squish of wet sand and the way I feel when I sing in my car - but other than that, no, not really."

Love myth: Love is for life.

Many books will tell you that the aim of love is, eventually, to find the person with whom you can settle down, the person who is willing to have a long-term, serious relationship. Not this book. The idea of finding "the one" or the idea that marriage is a superior relationship leaves far too much in its wake. A woman may love four men in her lifetime, and they may have not been her lovers. A woman may mother a child with one partner but chose to love and live with another woman later on. A woman may have many brief relationships to find that marriage suits her much much later in life, or not at all. The idea that we must find someone whom we can share our life with is anachronism, for we are sharing our lives with a broad range of special people at any given time. Focus on the one and we may miss out on the beauty and contribution of many.

On heartbreak:
The best way to get over a broken heart is to treat it like a boil. Lance the inflamation, release the pus (and there can be quite a lot), clean the wound and then let the healing proceed. Amelia Sedley in Vanity Fair sniffled into a hanky for fifteen years over a total cad, but Amelia was a piteous wimp and the object of Thackery's satire. Give it six months to a year and then for goodness' sake contain the wallow. You are not Morrisey or Morisette, so don't moon unless you're being paid royalties to do so. Don't let your past gobble up the potential of your future. You might meet the love of your life at a support group or just hours after you've been kissed off.

Your veil of melancholy will lift - but you must be vigilant. Stringently edit past associations - certain places, certain songs, certain turns of phrase, pet names and baby talk. Stop idealizing the initmacy you once had and establish new routines. Try not to imagine how your ex-lover would respond to the new you, and don't fall back on wanting that approval. If you get tempted to see your ex - to parade that hard-won, fragile new confidence - forget about it. You are not changing for your ex. You are changing for yourself.

A haircut is a symbolic action even if it's just a trim. Spruce up with some organic color (henna or Herbatint), have a deep condition treatment, cut off your split ends, and kiss your dead-end dreams goodbye. Beware of home jobs with nail scissors.

Coddle yourself. Burn scented candles, pout beautiful in lipstick the color of crushed roses, buy some soft angora socks and wear them in bed.

Milk the venom. Resentment, unexpressed anger, hurt and feelings of violation are like toxins. Left to fester inside, they can harden you for years. Get them out through creative channels - or just plain destructive ones - paint it out, wail and smash your pillow. Anything totally absorbing, and physically exhausting is good. Later, much later, when you've come down from your cathartic freak-out, you may come to see a hurtful love experience as a lesson. But first set to clearing the darkness out of your heart.

the countdown begins

8 more class days left until summer vacation.

peas in a pod.

sigh.

much to my dismay, i was quite disappointed with how the Kaskade concert turned out. the venue was awful. the music wasn't great and the bathrooms (which weren't even bathrooms. they were pitch dark plastic boxes with a hole where you were expected to hover over and hope that all the pee goes in it while avoiding the gross elements scattered about) were of an unspeakable horror. plus, it was so hot and my baby just wasn't "feeling it" because he was still sick and sedated with antibiotics.

the good thing was maya was there and we had lots of fun inspite of everything that was bad about it. i have to say may, the good old days are back. maybe with a little twist to it but they're definetely back. we've traveled the world (or at least to one continent) together, weathered storms, trials and bad hair cuts, been up, down and all around but we still manage to land in the same place. side by side without a care in the world poking humor at the injustices of life.

i have to say. life is good!

on a day like today.

today was quite hard to get through. i woke up this morning with a weird feeling of dread which carried over to unbearable anxiety only to escalate to a waterfall of tears by lunchtime. perhaps it's the sudden absence of cool water rushing between my toes and the smell of suntan lotion a.k.a. end-of vacation blues, that made me feel this way.

like maya, i also woke up too early. i beat my alarm clock by a whole hour. i woke up at 5:30 instead 6:30 but wallowed in my sea of thoughts in bed till about 7:15. questions like "is my life going anywhere?", "am i going to live happily ever after?", "does he still love me?" and "did i really gain weight or is the scale broken?" seemed to follow me everywhere this morning.

it wasn't until i decided to visit my nono in the hospital for lunch when everything seemed to crumble. seeing my once robust and spunky nono reduced to a withered frail body with a spirit half fighting to live and the other half just wanting to concede made the dam of repressed feelings break through.

but i think i needed that cry. the type that lasts the whole afternoon but washes away all the bad feelings of worry and regret. it's been a long time coming and i've been holding it in till now. the very act of writing it down for all those dear to me to read makes it part of the past and something i can let go of.

and no. i haven't had an epiphany of everlasting happiness and i know that there'll probably be more days like this in the future. but like ren said, thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies or the overly flirty Starbucks barrista that tells me i'm pretty or the bestfriend i have that'll have coffee with me tomorrow.

sunkissed bliss

finally.

easter break finally came and we got to go somewhere.

this year it was to bohol. me, stan, jp, carlo, ranny and nina woke up at the crack of dawn thursday morning to catch the 6:00 AM boat to bohol. when we got there, all my "work thoughts" seemed to have cleared my mind and all i could think of was pina coladas by the beach.

our side of the beach was pretty isolated. nothing but coconut trees, hammocks and the beach. this was awesome for a day until we decided to venture to the other side where we discovered that the beach was so much better. sugary sand, no seaweed, and the cabanas were prettier.

plus... the boys almost ruined it by bringing along the playstation 3. nina and i should have checked their bags before we left. it didn't stop till i decided to join in the fun and managed to kicked stan's ass in Fight Night 3. that was the end of him fiddling with that joystick. haha.

the rest of the trip was pretty okay. we went to the bohol bee farm which was pretty interesting. everything they serve there is either homemade or organically grown. I actually ate a salad with bougainvillea petals in it. apparently, they're edible and they make your salad so much prettier. we got massages by the beach and i probably ate 5 pounds worth of food. it's hard to diet when you're with harold and kumar aka jp and carlo with you. stan and i got to do 2 dives. i thought i saw a shark until the divemaster told me it was just a huge trigger fish. the 2nd dive was awesome. it felt like i was diving through an underwater city.

nina kept it flowing with her lemon drops the whole trip so we were pretty buzzed the whole time. jp and stan had their professional cameras with them so we didn't even bother taking any with out point-and-shoot cams. nina and i just posed for pictures. (pics to follow on my multiply as soon as i get hold of jp's camera)

we were supposed to leave for cebu on sunday but when we got the the pier, we all kinda looked at each other and agreed to stay for one more day. it was well worth it. we had one perfect day by the beach.

now, i'm back to reality. but it's not so bad. it feels good being back in my room without jp pulling our toes at 7:00 AM to get us out of bed. i have my nice fluffy pillows instead of having one really crappy one which eventually ended up with stan in the morning.

plus.. i have a kick ass tan.

run run as fast as you can. can't catch me, i'm the gingerbread man!

I always thought the gingerbread man story was part of hansel and gretel.

it took me 25 years and a boyfriend to tell me that the gingerbread man wasn't used as crumbs but actually got eaten by a fox.

i know who penelope is.

After approximately 49 play counts on my iTunes ,not counting the number of times i played this song on my iPod, i finally figured out who Penelope is.

Penelope by Pinback

Oh Penelope
Are you filled with air
Swallowed oxygen
Made you float up?
Is it dropsy?
Will your lungs swell?
It’s depressing me
To see you struggle

Oh Penelope
Are you filled with air
Swallowed oxygen
Makes you float up?
Is it dropsy?
Will your lungs swell?
It’s depressing me
To see you struggle

I’m treading water with my oars
Glass galeons anchored, ocean floors
I’m diving down with all my gear
In search of treasure, para me corazon

Take you to the forest
Let you feel the raindrops falling down
Seeping through your redscales
Eliminate the faucet
Eliminate the need for water
Replace it with a safe shelf

Don’t wanna see you floating upside down
On the top of the bowl when I
Come round to visit you
Don’t wanna see you floating upside down

No girl
Need you there, Need you there, Need you there
Ooh Release that air
(I’m treading water with my oars
Glass galeons anchored, oceans floor
I’m diving down with all my gear
In search of treasure, para mi corazon)

Take you to the forest
Let you feel the raindrops falling down
Seeping through your redscales
Eliminate the faucet
Eliminate the need for water
Replace it with a safe shelf







Ready?

It's a FISH.

my tennis star

He plays tennis much like the way he takes on life. Mostly cool headed but with sporadic outbursts of frustration. Plays to win but a good sport when he loses. Sometimes he makes really stupid mistakes but has good disaster management skills. Goes with a gut feeling. Never gives up. Wins some, loses some but shines like a star when it needs to count.

After 2 wins, 2 loses and a championship match that ended in a tie break, I must say, tennis season was quite a thrill. And he didn’t have to win it to make me proud. He’ll always be a winner in my eyes.