today was quite hard to get through. i woke up this morning with a weird feeling of dread which carried over to unbearable anxiety only to escalate to a waterfall of tears by lunchtime. perhaps it's the sudden absence of cool water rushing between my toes and the smell of suntan lotion a.k.a. end-of vacation blues, that made me feel this way.
like maya, i also woke up too early. i beat my alarm clock by a whole hour. i woke up at 5:30 instead 6:30 but wallowed in my sea of thoughts in bed till about 7:15. questions like "is my life going anywhere?", "am i going to live happily ever after?", "does he still love me?" and "did i really gain weight or is the scale broken?" seemed to follow me everywhere this morning.
it wasn't until i decided to visit my nono in the hospital for lunch when everything seemed to crumble. seeing my once robust and spunky nono reduced to a withered frail body with a spirit half fighting to live and the other half just wanting to concede made the dam of repressed feelings break through.
but i think i needed that cry. the type that lasts the whole afternoon but washes away all the bad feelings of worry and regret. it's been a long time coming and i've been holding it in till now. the very act of writing it down for all those dear to me to read makes it part of the past and something i can let go of.
and no. i haven't had an epiphany of everlasting happiness and i know that there'll probably be more days like this in the future. but like ren said, thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies or the overly flirty Starbucks barrista that tells me i'm pretty or the bestfriend i have that'll have coffee with me tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment